Beyond Wrongdoing and Rightdoing

Occupy Life

2011-10-21T15:35:00.000-07:00

The news is all abuzz with the sit in protests that started a month ago in New York City known as "Occupy Wall Street." They sparked movements all over the world, and they have even come to our small town for the past 10 days. The occupiers speak of being part of the 99% whose lives are being negatively impacted by 1% of the population who control resources.

Some of the complaints I have heard about this movement is that they are not clear in what they want, or how to get there. In Nonviolent Communication speak, they have not made clear and doable requests, or at least that the media has reported.

Requests though are only one component of nonviolent communication. Other components are observations, feelings, and needs. What is happening in the streets is a widespread emotional response to global and local economies that that are heavily directed at serving those with power and control, and not at human flourishing as a whole. I believe it is important for people, as individuals or as a community, to give full reign to the emotions in their bodies, for in this way they might discern what their needs might be. Out of this connection can arise results. But we need to allow spaciousness for feelings and needs to arise, such as what is happening all over the world. I imagine that the gathered feel anger and frustration for they so long for equality and fairness, as well as health for earth and her beings.

Looking at the reports of the crowds, and in some cases, the small gatherings around the world, what feelings come up for you when you think of our economic and environmental situation? What needs come up that correspond with these feelings? Allowing yourself spaciousness and time, are there any requests you would make of yourself or others?

Part of allowing yourself spaciousness is to watch the "should" talk. Are you telling yourself that you should be protesting yourself instead of attending to your daily concerns? Perhaps you are thinking of what the protesters should be doing, or the people against whom they are protesting?

Should language is telling a story that leads us away from our feelings and connecting with our needs, and the needs of others. It places a demand on how others should act, instead of inviting them into a place of connecting to your needs and theirs, which is life serving.

If you have a sense of "shoulding" I invite you to consider this exercise.

Think for a moment where you are "shoulding" on others or yourself.

Breathe.

What are you feeling?

Breathe.

What are you current needs?

Breathe.

What request, if any, would you make of yourself and others?

For myself this little exercise of breathing in between NVC components adds spaciousness and more lightness to my body. Heck, even describing this exercise now to you added to my sense of connecting to life by thinking of needs, and experiencing the living energy of needs. It helped me occupy life more fully.

What helps you occupy life?

Loving the Complaint and the Demand

2011-03-03T06:16:00.000-08:00

Percy Wakes Me

Mary Oliver

Percy wakes me and I am not ready...

Now he's eager for action: a walk, then breakfast....

He is sitting on the kitchen counter where he is not supposed to be.

How wonderful you are, I say. How clever, if you needed me, to wake me.

He thought he would hear a lecture and deeply his eyes begin to shine.

He tumbles onto the couch for more compliments.

He squirms and squeals; he has done something that he needed and now he hears that it's okay.

I scratch his ears, I turn him over and touch him everywhere. He is

wild with the okayness of it. Then we walk, then he gas has breakfast, and he is happy.

This is a poem about Percy.

This is a poem about more than Percy.

Think about it.

In my spiritual practice of nonviolent communication I often struggle with accepting with ease the complaints of others. When I first hear what they want, often expressed as a demand, or worse, as whining, I don't have much empathy for others or for myself. It's also hard for me to get in touch with my gratitude that they let me know what was going on for them, for I know that when someone asks something of me, often in a an unskillful way, they are just letting me know what would make their life wonderful. This is such a great gift, but so frequently I am reluctant to open the gift to appreciate how life flows through them. Instead I have "shoulds" going on in my story telling brain, "Why can't they think of anyone else but themselves?"

Reading this poem today, I sense a break through, a vision. People around me are like bounding Percies, inviting me to make their life wonderful. How lovely for them, and for me, if I could reply in word, thought, and action so that they could know how wonderful they are and the okayness of their needs.

Oh how our lives might shine. Though we may not be ready, may we awake to this possibility today.

To whom would you like to communicate "okayness?"

Compassionate Communication for All Beings

2011-01-21T06:47:00.000-08:00

Dr. Ursula Aragunde Kohl, me and participants at the CC Workshop in Puerto Rico

Last weekend I was in Puerto Rico offering two separate workshops on Compassionate Communication. One was to the Puerto Rican Parrot Recovery Project and the other to a conglomeration of animal welfare, social services, and faith organizations in San Juan. This was the first time I had chosen to concentrate on organizations that deal with nonhuman animals. My goal in so doing was to support and nourish the humans so that they in turn could help all beings flourish.

In my home faith tradition, Unitarian Universalism I am also gearing up to offer workshops in Compassionate Communication to those interested in the interweaving justice issues that include nonhuman animals. I will do this as part of the Reverence for Life Program that the Unitarian Universalist Animal Ministry is offering our congregations. Now is the time to struggle with how we covenant with earth and her beings as our association of congregations deals with the Study Action Item: Ethical Eating and Environmental Justice. In the last few weeks congregations and list serves have been abuzz with commenting on the Draft Statement of Conscience that deals with this compelling and complex topic. Comments on the draft are due February 1^st and we as an association will vote on the final draft at General Assembly in June, 2011.

How shall we come up with a statement that includes the wide diversity of who we are and yet challenges us to hold the needs of all species ever more tenderly?

My response to this question, at both the workshops and to my fellow Unitarian Universalists is this:

It’s important to think of how animals feel and suffer, how their evolution has brought them to where they are , and what they are thinking as we research how their brains work. Yet, we can never know what is “best” in the morass of ethical vagueness that cloaks humanity. Let this complexity be not a death shroud for any. Instead, let us lift up the few things we can know:

All beings have needs that connect us in an interdependent web of inherent worth and dignity

We can bring kindness to every moment.

Everything is a practice ground for the skills of compassion.

May this be our prayer in intention, word, and action in the months to come.

A Fragile World Order

2010-12-07T11:42:00.000-08:00

In the last few weeks we have heard plenty about the WikiLeaks and the appropriateness of exposing 250,000 diplomatic cables. I was struck by the response by David Brooks, commentator for the New York Times. After reading the cables he said, "Israeli and Arab diplomats can be seen reacting sympathetically and realistically towards one another. The Americans in the cables are generally savvy and honest. . .We depend on these conversations for the limited order we enjoy every day."

I couldn't agree more.

Now just imagine if these conversations were full of no difference between wrongdoing and rightdoing. What if the needs of "enemies" were as equally valued as those of "friends?" What if we ran our world order on an economy of equally valued needs, and not brokerage of power and resources?

If we humans can produce such understanding as Mr. Brooks sees in these people who are in the midst of such power and politics, imagine what we might do with a nonviolent consciousness running through the diplomatic corps?

Yes, it's fragile now, but in my alternate scenario, it would be flourishing.

Winter Holiday Telephone Seminar - Giving Your Relationships the Gift of Presence

2010-12-03T19:24:00.001-08:00

I will be introducing the basics of NVC through exploration of our relationships and how we might be totally present. As many of us come into the winter holidays, we may find ourselves triggered by those for whom we care. By tapping into the consciousness of being present to needs, we may cultivate the art of "choice" and hence liberate and ourselves from past behavior patterns that disconnect and distance us from others in our lives.

Friday 17, December, 7 - 8:30 p.m.

Let me know if you plan to attend so I can send you the call in information and the handout.

Bounding Out on New Paths

2010-11-17T08:34:00.000-08:00

In the Pasture

Mary Oliver

In the first day of snow, when the white curtain of winter began to stream down,

The house where I lived grew distant and at first it seemed imperative to hurry home.

But later, not much later, I began to see that soft snowbound house as I would always remember it,

And I would linger a long time in the pasture turning circles, staring

At all the crisp, exciting, snow-filled roads that led away.

Memories are inconclusive. With each recall, our brains change the version of the previous until we cannot know for sure what happened. We can only know how we interpret events of the past in the present moment.

Given this, it does seem as if we can change the past. For we have today to place a shroud of memory over our regrets, our misgivings, or our loss. We can let go of the stories of disconnection or hyperindividualism and infuse our stories with the meaning of interdependence.

For instance, perhaps you recall a time when a friend said or did something that resulted in harm to you. Each time you bring up that pain or discomfort from the past, you augment your judgment about the friend, yourself, or the human species as a whole. You withdraw from that relationships or close your heart to them and to yourself. It is like burrowing into a cold house where you wish for life to be different . Looking out of the frosted windows of our heart, you spin fantasizes of how it should be.

Today though let go of blame and instead see how you are the other person. There is no wrongdoing or right doing from the perspective of the pasture, only a field where we see the beauty that is the world, is also each of us. We each choose strategies to meet the same beautiful needs of love, connection, and community. Some of these strategies are more skillful and produce more benefits than harm. Other strategies are disasters. Regardless, beauty dwells in each of us and motivates our actions.

With this in mind, we open up new possibilities of choices in our relationships. Perhaps you will choose to call your friend, or to be at peace with what happened. We are neither victim nor evil perpetrator. We are each other and this beautiful world, and we can choose how to act from this day forward. We may take roads that lead away from memories that bind us.

When have you seen a memory change over time? Has this served you well?

Restorative Circles

2010-11-10T09:45:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I attended a workshop on Restorative Circles. This practice, if I could sum it up in one sentence seems to be about this; we’re going to fight anyway, so let’s make a place for conflict to happen with an intention to value the needs of all people. The inciting incident that calls together a circle is not cause for dehumanizing another. It is a just a strategy that one person choose to meet a universal need that all humans share. The circle gathers so that we might see what harm came from the incident, and through telling our stories, find a way to rehumanize each other – that is, to get at the value and meaning underlying the harmful strategies. The hope is that if we can see that there is a positive motivation behind all actions, we might find the space to formulate restorative actions plans to heal wounds, and change behavior patterns.

Though only my first exposure to Restorative Circles, I see how it is a natural “next step” for the practice of Nonviolent Communication. These circles, founded on the consciousness of peace, compassion, and justice as we see in NVC, offer a structure for changing organizations and societies. The scope is beyond the individual level, for integrated in the restorative theory is that all humans within a society are impacted by conflict, and hence, “responsible” in that as receivers of conflict, we each have a choice on how to act. To not act is also a choice.

I choose to act for restoration, healing, and change. A restorative circle, however, takes place within a restorative system. So my individual choice is not enough. I need a community that elects to journey with me as we commit together for restorative justice.

Now the question before me and perhaps before you as well is this. Which community? My family? My congregation or association of congregations (Unitarian Universalist Association)? The town in which I live? The readers of this blog?

As Dominic Barter, the founder of this system said while in Atlanta, "Why ruin a good question with an answer.?" I ponder on.

Which community might you choose for restorative work?

Upcoming NVC Retreat in Florida

2010-10-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

TOTAL PRESENCE

Where the inner work and the outer work meet and merge.

Friday December 17, 6pm - Sunday December 19, 1pm, 2010

Gainesville Retreat Center

A weekend retreat combining the wisdom and practice of Zen Buddhism and Nonviolent Communication

From presence flows greater compassion for all beings. In presence, we nourish our spirits so that all life may flourish. This retreat offers guidance and sustenance for your inner work, empowering you to be totally present to the reality of relationships, humanity, and earth. Such presence helps heal our world.

The retreat will introduce:

· the basics of Nonviolent Communication;

· meditation practice in the Zen tradition;

· the mutual interdependence of “inner” work and “outer” relationship work.

Together we will share sitting and walking meditation, floating meditation (there's a heated pool), and nature meditation. Interspersed throughout the weekend will be time for individual reflection and journaling, as well as group learning in both NVC and Zen Buddhism. A more detailed schedule and directions will be mailed at a later date.

Retreat Leaders: Revv. Meredith Garmon and LoraKim Joyner (Unitarian Univeraslist)

Meredith is senior minister of the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship

of Gainesville, a Zen practitioner for 9 years,

and a senior student

Sanbo Kyodan Zen school

LoraKim is a UU minister who has served in

congregations in Raleigh, NC; El Paso, TX; and

Gainesville, FL and is a Certified Trainer

in Nonviolent Communication

(based on Marshall Rosenberg's work and the

Center for Nonviolent Communication

www.cnvc.org)

Location: Gainesville Retreat Center

Time: Friday at 6 p.m. (begins with dinner) until Sunday at noon (ends with lunch).

Accommodations: The retreat center is a converted large home on over 100 acres near Newnan Lake. The home beds 12 people in a dormitory style setting. Meals are simple, but ample and delicious vegetarian. We have space for 25 people at the retreat. You may choose other lodging or commute during the day.

Costs: Two nights lodging with all meals: $120 double, $160 single

Daytrippers: 2 lunches, 2 dinners: $65

Registration: To register, email LoraKim with your intention to attend. To reserve your spot, send a check to LoraKim.

Deadline: December 1, 2010.

amoloros@juno.com, 352-375-8531, 3109 NW 35th Terrace, Gainesville, FL 32605

Empathy 101 - President Obama and Clinton

2010-10-10T16:07:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I facilitated a Nonviolent Communication training hosted by the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Miami and just yesterday I was at the UUA Midsouth District Healthy Congregation Meeting where I facilitated NVC during a 4 hour workshop. I've got empathy and honesty on the brain, and some very lovely and dedicated people in my heart.

Part of the way I conduct seminars is to role play with participants so they can keep their hearts open in order to empathize with others, and with themselves. The goal is to not get into "thinking" and "defending" your position, but to offer empathy to the other if you feel they need it. This takes practice to do, because we so often think that if the other person just understood our position, they would do what we want. Clarity is always a good thing, however, people who need empathy often aren't able to hear explanations and requests. So we practice empathy, empathy, empathy.

Just this week there was an editorial cartoon in the Gainesville Sun with President Clinton teaching empathy to President Obama. I imagined myself role playing with Obama in this scenario. I would coach him by saying he started off well by checking in with the feelings of Clinton. His next step would then to be to link feelings with universal needs instead of going into explanations.

For instance, he might have said, "I'm guessing that you are anxious and frustrated, because you really long for empathy and an authentic connection with me. Is this right?"

To which, in my role play I would say as President Clinton. "Yes, I'm frustrated, but it's because you talk so much about empathy without really doing it. We are losing our democratic majority. Can't you just connect to the people?"

To which Obama, in my dreams, would reply, "You long for mutual empowerment in the government, with me, so that we can bring about a country where all people, and all beings, flourish. I want that too. Would you be willing to bring in an NVC facilitator so that me and my staff can keep our hearts open so that the needs of all are on the table, without making enemy images of those who have different strategies?"

In my dream that night, I really did dream of Obama. He was unsure at first, and then broke out laughing and was joyful with me. I awoke wondering if somehow we had gotten empathy from me, and so was able to connect to this heart, and to all hearts.

May the healing power of empathy be his and yours this day.

There is More Love

2010-09-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Recently I attended a retreat of Unitarian Universalists of Mississippi. We were speaking of the joys and sorrows in our lives as a theme for the weekend. Out of sharing of stories and experiences we discovered a trend. The source of our pain is also the source of our joy. For instance, if we are feeling disconnected in relationships, it is because we long for connection. Our feelings of sorrow or discomfort aren't the fault of someone else, the society, or our species. We are responsible for our own feelings, which tell us what our deep longings are. Other examples include the loss of a relationship or someone who has died. We ache for love and intimacy.

So how do we "fix" our longings? If we long for love, and there isn't enough of it and we feel lonely or sad, then, quite simply, the "fix" is more love. We can't control the behavior of another, but each of us, even just for one second or one breath, can get in touch with our deepest longings of love, for example, and bring more love into the world by shifting from blame of others or ourselves into just being love and thinking love. As the hymn goes, there is more love, somewhere, and it is inside each of us.

So, here's the fix, simple in concept, but difficult to follow through on.. Thank goodness we have one another for support and to practice.

1. What are you feeling now.

2. Identify what you long for.

3. Breathe in and connect to this longing without judgment of others or yourself.

4. Find a way to bring about what you long for in yourself and in your relationships.

Letting Go

2010-09-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

Life is such an onion, as is the work of Compassionate Communication. Just when I think I "get" that there is freedom in letting go of strategies, I realize that there are deeper layers. I discover that I have much, much more to let go of. For instance, I had chosen to lose a significant amount of weight a few years ago so that I could move more easily and with less pain. My goal was to be able to conduct field research in the tropics, and the extra weight was aggravating my arthritic knee, not to mention causing difficulty when carrying packs in hot and humid conditions. I was successful because I concentrated on the needs of health and contribution, and not on the feelings and thoughts that brought up shame and guilt. What I am finding out now is that having a "fit body" for me had turned into just one more strategy. Furthermore, contributing to field research and avian conservation became a strategy to meet my needs for mattering. These strategies were threatening to cage me and limit my choices. So I am working on letting go of these as strategies. In so doing, I find that I have more joy in life in this moment, and in fact, feel that I have greater choice and freedom to meet the needs of the moment that ultimately matter. Perhaps I'll gain weight and have to give up field research due to age and arthritis, however, by letting go of those "have to strategies" I might find a world of possibility opening up to me.

Where do you hold tight onto a strategy, only to find that this does not contribute to life in the way you had hoped?

Seeing Conflict from a Bird's Eye View

2010-08-22T06:14:00.001-07:00

Nancy Burke Loving a Hundred Year Old Amazon Parrot in her Home

I have recently returned from several weeks of being among bird people, attending bird veterinarian conferences, bird breeding conferences, avian veterinary clinics, and pet bird owners of flocks. There was a time when I could not have spent enjoyable time amongst them, for I thought they were "wrong" for keeping wild birds in captivity. Through the deep work of Compassionate Communication I have learned to see that these people are not wrong, nor am I. Life flows through them just as it does me, striving to bring appreciation, beauty, companionship, and nurturing to their lives. They love birds, I love birds. I care for birds, they care for birds. The difference is, and the potential conflict is, that they choose to do so by keeping birds in cages in their homes, or treating captive birds in their clinics, while I choose to work with wild parrots in Latin America. Our strategies differ, but we are interdependent with one another, not separate, but worthy and lovely. We share life. Because I appreciate our common humanity and might empathize with them, I can be among them, and even more important to me, love them for who they are and keep my heart open to the beauty that is their lives. Striving to relate through common needs does not mean that I do not mourn their strategies. Indeed, after several weeks of being among captive birds and hearing of their hard lives in captivity, I am ready for a break. My heart hurts to witness such suffering. This also doesn't mean that I don't tell others what is going on in my heart. Indeed there were many such discussions. In that sharing, my aching heart does find relief, for at the level of universal needs, of mattering and seeing that other species matter, we were able to connect.

By seeing our discomfort as being at the level of strategy, and not at the level of universal needs, we find ways to empathize with one another, support one another, and hopefully help one another see that we matter so that we can work in ways together that reflect the needs of all beings.

Where do you disengage from others because your strategies differ?

Now Is The Time

2010-08-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

I stopped the car and ran back and across the road

and picked up the box turtle, who only

hissed and withdrew herself into her pretty shell.

Well, goodness, it was early in the morning, not too much traffic.

Rather an adventure than a risk, and anyway

who would give aid to such a shy citizen?

Who wouldn't complete the journey for it, taking it of course

in the direction of its desire: a pinewoods

where, as I learned, the blueberries ripen early.

Probably she had thought, in the middle of the night-

Ah, it's time.

Sometimes I think our own lives are watched over like that.

Out of the mystery of the hours and the days

Something says-Let's give this one a little trial.

Let's say, put a turtle in the road she's traveling on, and

in a hurry.

Let's see how her life is measuring up, that lucky girl.

So much happiness, so much good fortune. Ah, it's time.

The Measure - by Mary Oliver

Not even a month ago coming back from a day swimming in the springs on my birthday my spouse and I moved a large female gopher tortoise from the middle of the road. We took a little risk to scamper quickly to save such a precious life along a fast paced road. That same month we moved a box turtle as well into safety. Yet, in our own yard, a small girl tortoise I found dead, smashed by an exiting car in our own driveway. We live at the end of a dirt road in the woods, and it seemed such a rare thing that tortoise just happened to be in the wrong place and the wrong time. She was not as lucky as the other two.

Maybe that's why we humans stay within our shells and do not travel about or journey from our sameness and tameness into wild sacredness. In the night a dream comes to us and with the sun's rising we feel perky with possibility. Then what happens?Somewhere along the line we falsely intuit that we don't measure up, or other's don't, or reality doesn't. Don't you think that it's time to cross that road and get into that field beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing?

Now is the time to know

That all that you do is sacred.

Now is the time to understand

That all your ideas of right and wrong

Were just a child's training wheels

To be laid aside

When you finally live

With veracity

And love.

Now is the time for the world to know

That every thought and action is sacred.

This is the time for you to compute the impossibility

That there is anything

But Grace.

Now is the season to know

That everything you do

Is sacred.

-Hafiz, A Sufi Poet

What might you do or where might you go if you knew that everything you do is sacred?

Holding Bejamin - Holding Each Other

2010-08-04T16:09:00.000-07:00

Holding Benjamin

A Poem By Mary Oliver

August 2, 2010

No use to tell him that he

And the raccoon are brothers.

You have your soft ideas about nature,

He has others,

And they are full of his

White teeth

And lip that curls, sometimes,

Horribly.

You love this earnest dog,

But also you admire the raccoon

And Lord help you in your place

Of hope and improbables.

To the black-masked gray one:

Run! You say Run!

You say and just as urgently, to the dog:

Stay!

And he won’t or he will,

Depending on more things than I could name.

He’s sure he’s right

And you, so tangled in your mind,

Are wrong,

Though patient and pacific.

And you are downcast.

And it’s his eyes, not yours,

That are clear and bright.

I once read an article about the violence between siblings. Brothers can pound horribly on one another – it is their way. So when I think of the raccoon and dog as brothers, and also caught in a terrible predator – prey cycle, I think of course, it is their way. Then I think of the human companion who feels the suffering of the one, and the responsibility of the other, and ultimately shame and guilt plays tag with acceptance for what is our way – to be complex social creatures who navigate in confusion the harm that we interconnected siblings inflict upon one another. We want there to be a right way and because we cannot discern how to meet everyone’s needs, we feel inadequate. What if we could move beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing as Rumi suggests in his poem?

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing,

There is a field.

I will meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase each other doesn’t make sense.

We could lie down in that field and play, and as we rubbed our noses in the fresh dirt and smelled the flowers, our hands would linger upon a half-buried bone, a sign of the carnage of our past and of our future. My prayer is that we do not run from that field, but stay engaged with reality and one another – no wrong doing, no right doing, but sure as heck a lot of pain and discomfort. My eyes are bright with living this possibility well, of helping each other hold awareness and acceptance of not a soft nature, but of a terribly beautiful whole and hard nature.

Do you think that predation and prey is an inevitable cycle in our lives; or, can we use our evolution possibility to support collaboration even more than competition?

The Bleeding Heart

2010-07-24T12:05:00.000-07:00

The Bleeding Heart

Mary Oliver

I know a bleeding-heart plant that has thrived for sixty years if not more, and has never missed a spring without rising and spreading itself into a glossy bush, with many small red hearts dangling. Don't you think that deserves a little thought? The woman who planted it has been gone for a long time, and everyone who saw it in that time has also died or moved away and so, like so many stories, this one can't get finished properly. Most things that are important, have you noticed, lack a certain neatness. More delicious, anyway, is to remember my grandmother's pleasure when the dissolve of winter was over and the green knobs appeared and began to rise, and to create their many hearts. One would say she was a simple woman, made happy by simple things. I think this was true. And more than once, in my long life, I have wished to be her.

Once upon a time there were a humanoid people whose heart's cycled with the seasons. In the winter, their hearts shrunk to the size of a raison. The cold snows echoed their cool souls and empty faces. Come the spring their hearts began to grow and by summer would be so big that you could see them beating through their skin, emitting a pink glow around their chests. All summer long they would forget their work and their worries, and spend their days laughing in the rivers and ponds, embraced by life, love, and one another. Their favorite past time was to press their chests against one another and see how long their hearts could beat in perfect synchronization. Come fall they held on to each other's hands as if it was the last time ever. And of course it would be, at least until the following spring. Why do I wish I were they?

This longing, wishing to live with an open heart with others, no matter how much it bleeds, is the art of compassionate communication consciousness. For out of the longing, and the mourning for those long dark times of perceived separation, comes the blooming of new life.

How does your heart wax and wane?

Fiddling While Rome Burns

2010-07-07T10:28:00.000-07:00

My booth next to Trapper booth

“We need an inclusive movement and need to eliminate anything that stands in the way of that.” These were words during the presentation, “Fiddling While Rome Burns,” given by Shane Mahoney the plenary speaker for the International Congress of Conservation Biology. I couldn’t agree with him more. In fact, my efforts in conservation in the last decade have been committed to finding ways to support the human dimensions of conservation so that we can get along, not just for greater satisfaction and sustainability on conservation teams, but for the sake of all life. The earth needs us now, not some time in the distant future when we might decide to work with others who are different from us, or who think of wildlife differently.

A pertinent and timely example of this comes from the placement of the Lafeber Conservation and Wildlife booth at this conference. I am on “Trapper Row.” On my aisle of the exhibit hall are 3 trapper organizations and one safari group. Just to my left are the skins of lynx, wolf, beaver, and wolverine and examples of many kinds of leg traps. The most common question I get from people who pass by is not “what do you do,” or “what is Emeraid,” but “how do you feel being next to trappers?” That’s a good question, I tell the people, and then they proceed to give me their views. The thought is that trappers don’t have a place in true compassionate conservation solutions. I have also talked to the trappers on my row. They say they love the animals and their habitats, and want the same things I do – sustainability, diversity, and abundance. Yet, our strategies are so very different.

Though the strategy of trapping brings up pain for me, if I think that I do not share the same universal needs as the trappers, then I won’t be able to empathize with them. If I can’t empathize with them, then we won’t be able to see each other as belonging on this planet, belonging at the table, and belonging at the conference.

Shane ended his talk by saying that we are human because of the different other and that in all of us is some part of God. Without talking to him about this I can’t be sure what he means. What he says to me is this. Though my heart aches to imagine the suffering and stress of an animal bound in a leg trap, I will not close my heart to that pain and that conversation with the different other. For if I close my heart to the pain, I close my heart to the beauty, the joy, and the possibility of what we might create together. I also diminish how I can be the change I wish to see in the world. For if I settle for blaming the trapper, the hunter, the cattle rancher, I risk settling for not looking at my own complicity in harm in the world. So dear trappers, thank you for being at this conference so that I might just get to know your mind, and in the attempt, get to not just know my mind, but change it to feel interconnection and empathy with all beings. May the traps of the mind so free me, and all beings.

Peacemaking and Compassionate Communication

2010-06-27T12:37:00.000-07:00

(Delegates voting at General Assembly)

This past week I have been attending the Unitarian Universalist Annual General Assembly. The body of delegates voted overwhelmingly to approve a Statement of Consciousness: Creating Peace. This document speaks of having Peace Teams within congregations that obtain training in Compassionate Communication. In addition, for peace in relationships, individuals are encouraged to learn and practice skills in compassionate communication. Then, later in the plenary meeting the executive director of the Association of Theological Schools spoke about the complex interpersonal aspects of congregational life for which current academic programs do not prepare ministers adequately. Wow. Three calls within as many days for humans to engage in peace making skills through the spiritual practice of interpersonal communication! I have such hope that we are evolving not just as an association of congregations, but as a people. Perhaps I know this best from my own growth through compassionate communication, which has allowed me to play in multiple fields of peacemaking and ministry, and surprisingly, often with joy. May it be so for you as well.

Beyond Blame and Fear

2010-06-23T07:41:00.000-07:00

(Oiled bird on beach - photo by IBRRC)

Three Prose Poems

Mary Oliver

Oh, yesterday, that one, we all cry out. Oh, that one! How rich and possible everything was! How ripe, ready, lavish, and filled with excitement-how hopeful we were on those summer days, under the clean, white racing clouds. Oh yesterday!

I was in the hold burn dump-no longer used…Here a pair of hummingbirds lived every summer, as if the only ones of their kind…I near strolled, and was almost always sure to see the male hummingbird on his favorite high perch near the top of a wild cherry tree, looking out across his kingdom with bright eye, and even brighter throat…a plane, a black triangle, flew screaming from the horizon, heavy talons clenched and lumpy on its undersides. And, lo, the hummingbird cringed, it hugged itself to the limb, it hunkered, it quivered. It was God’s gorgeous, flashing jewel: afraid. All narrative is metaphor.

After the storm the ocean returned..so there was the world: sky, water, the pale sand and, where the tide had reached the day’s destination, the snow. And this detail: the body of a duck, a golden-eye; and beside it one black-backed gull. In the body of the duck, among the breast feathers, a hole perhaps an inch across: the color within the hole a shouting red. And bend it as you might, nothing was to blame: storms must toss, and the great black-backed gawker must eat, and so on. It was merely a moment. The sun, angling out from the bunched clouds, cast one could easily imagine tenderly over the landscape its extraordinary light.

Is life just a moment, balanced between fear and tenderness? Does the tide come in and yesterday was lush and we feel expansive and open, and then the tide goes out and we constrict with fear and scarcity? It seems to be so. We are God’s precious jewels sparkling in the sand, eater and eaten, afraid. Okay, maybe I can accept this. What brings me angst and a hollow thumping of the heart though, is that I will seek to blame God, the world, the gull, the plane, you, me. And as the tide goes out and the sun sets, I will think that I am lonely, alone worthy of praise or blame, of praising of blaming. Oh be still my cognitive self and let the story rest for a while in the calm of an intertidal zone, for all stories are metaphor as Mary says. Beneath it all lies shared being – no life, no death, just sparkling amazement lying amongst the ever present grains of fear.

Where can you open to amazement and let go of blame and judging?

Galarragoed

2010-06-13T09:29:00.000-07:00

Less than two weeks ago there was quite the news about an umpire, Jim Joyce, who made a "wrong" call and cost a baseball pitcher, Armando Galarrago, his perfect game (http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20100602&content_id=10727590).

The following day the same umpire who had made the "bad" call came onto the field with tears in his eyes. What brings tears to my eyes is the genuine compassion and sense of fair play of the Detroit fans. They seemed to come to a collective empathetic state by knowing what Joyce must be feeling - they gave him a standing ovation. An event that could have unfolded in recriminations and blame that represent the worst in our species, turned into something that heralds the best in us.

Charles Krauthammer noted that Galarrago will now be a more memorable figure in baseball than if he'd been fairly granted his perfect game by Joyce's correct call at first base. He speculates that a new verb has been created for when one has been extraordinarily screwed: He's been Galarragoed. Maybe instead we will use this verb to mean when we have realized what's really important in life, even more important than pitching a perfect game. (thanks to Gary Schouborg for your thinking and writing on this topic). There is much grace that can come to us and the world when we connect to our needs and values, even when we don't get what we originally set out to get.

May you be Galarragoed today.

Opening the Window of the Heart

2010-06-04T04:45:00.000-07:00

Friend, there's a window that opens from heart to heart

And there are ways of closing it - Rumi

Often when offering support for others in Compassionate Communication I find that people, including myself, can get caught up in the tools for practicing peace in communication, such as the four components of observation, feelings, needs, and requests. I am learning though that the premise of rewiring our brains and changing our habits lies with this choice: Do I want to live constricted, or with an open heart? When I get up in the morning and open the windows and doors to the misty early sunlight, do I want to love myself and the world I see, or do I want to begin withdrawing into myself by judging any moving being as the source of my discomfort or lack of fulfillment? This question always draws me back to the hope of this moment and the feeling of my body. There is a difference in my body posture when I think "I wish for more world peace," and "I love peace." This is similar to the difference when I say "I wish this person would be more loving" and "I long for love." In the later, my body opens, leans towards the "other," and a window opens in my heart.

Where do you shut the window of your heart?

Empathy for Big Oil

2010-05-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

Do you find yourselves these days struggling to find empathy for those working with the oil industry? I say "those" as it doesn't make sense to empathize with an institution such as "big oil" or the "oil industry" or the "US government." If we bring the frame a reference down to an individual, and not some conspiracy plot or organizational indifference or even purposeful neglect, where do you find your empathy level for others that were in the chain of cause and effect for the gulf oil spill? Perhaps you choose to not have empathy for others. I work on this because out of empathy and an open heart, amazing choices come before me that allow me to give and receive life giving actions.

First I ask, who is impacted and how? It is helpful to be as specific as possible as to individuals and to their needs. I believe the first step is begin with one's self. If we can't find a way to meet our own needs for empathy or to connect with other needs, it is not likely that we can mourn in the ways that are most beneficial, and then to have empathy for others.

What needs come up for you in terms of the oil spill? Beauty? Health? Biodiversity? Protection? Take time to connect to these needs before going on to any others.

Who else?

Birds - which species? So far impacted are pelicans, gannets, terns. Others? What are their needs? Health, food, reproduction, water, protection?

Reptiles - sea turtles

Mammals - dolphins, whales

Fish

Invertebrates

Plants

Oil spill cleanup and rescue crews. What are their needs?

Fisherpeople

Tourist industry workers

Tourists

Homeowners

Real estate workers

BP oil rig workers and the family members of those who died or were injured

BP managers and executives

Government employees in regulation industry

Government representatives

President Obama

Who else?

Now, having gone through this exercise, do you have any requests of yourself or others?

For me, during this exercise I came up with a request that didn't exist before. For our congregation's upcoming Animal Blessing Service on June 6th, I will devote part of the service to the oil spill.

What is yours to do?

Going to Central America

2010-04-06T04:24:00.000-07:00

Later this week I will be traveling to Honduras and then to Guatemala on a Compassionate Conservation trip. During this time I will be consulting as an avian veterinarian in parrot conservation and also supporting the human dimensions of wildlife conservation. Though my schedule is full of "doing this and that" and "projects" the bottom line is, "how shall I love the world, in this place, with these people and birds?" "How shall I keep my heart open to the birds and people, though life is struggling so hard to break through the suffering and loss present in these ecosystems and communities?"

I will twitter to this blog, and my other blogs, when I can. Though I imagine given the remote areas, I will be taking a break from writing here on Compassionate Communication, and be living Compassionate Conservation in the space that opens up for me.

Blessed Beings,

LoraKim Joyner

Spring Into Love

2010-04-06T04:10:00.000-07:00

Spring

Mary Oliver

Somewhere

a black bear

has just risen from sleep

and is staring

down the mountain.

All night

in the brisk and shallow restlessness

of early spring

I think of her..

There is only one question:

how to love this world.

I think of her

rising

like a black and leafy ledge

to sharpen her claws against

the silence

of the trees

Whatever else

my life is

with its poems

and its music

and its glass cities,

It is also this dazzling darkness

coming

down the mountain,

breathing and tasting;

all day I think of her-

her white teeth,

her wordlessness,

her perfect love.

Mary, my favorite poet, has finally you've nailed it down to one question, although just a few poems ago, her question was, what is a soul? Perhaps this comes out of the question, "how to love the world." The question is not how to be loved? Why me? Why not me? Or how shall I die and when? How shall I best meet my needs? In the asking, I feel empowerment. In the asking, we give ourselves a choice. Now, this moment, we choose how to love. Shall it be wordlessly like the bear? Watching like in so many of Mary's poems? Reading this poem? In Compassionate Communication we may ask this same question in this way, "how shall I connect to the world and consider all being needs?" Or, how shall I keep my heart open, even in the direst of circumstances when my needs are not met?

How do you love the world?

Beyond Words - March 28, 2010

2010-03-28T14:16:00.001-07:00

Below is a story from Zen buddhism that I adapted to speak to nonviolent communication.

One day a student asks the Nonviolent Communication Certified Trainer “Why are you hiding the final secret of NVC from me?” The master says that he has kept nothing hidden but the student continues to demand to know how to live the NVC way. One day they are walking and a bird sings. The master asks, “Did you hear the bird sing?” “Yes,” said the student. “Then you know I have hidden nothing from you.” “Yes,” said the student, and he was enlightened.

In this story though the student had worked with NVC for years, the artistry of living from the heart had not been achieved. The student was still trying to follow a formula, a description based on words, when actually NVC/Compassionate Consciousness is “beyond words” just as it is “beyond wrongdoing and right doing.” By hearing the bird sing, the heart of the student was awakened, and she saw that living from the heart was the secret of NVC. NVC is really not so much a secret really, but a choice to being open to hear the song of life around us.

Be-longing into Belonging

2010-03-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Be-longing into Belonging

One of the tenets of nonviolent communication is that when we connect to life by allowing ourselves to feel and accept the needs of all beings, we lessen our own particular demands. We can do this because by connecting to life a very basic human needs is fulfilled - belonging to life on this planet! It may not feel very good to be aware that our needs, and the needs of others might not get met in our own life time, or theirs. We long for so much - for there to be flourishing, care, compassion, and harmony for everyone. Out of this longing we gain our sense of belonging on this planet, and in turn, can offer a sense of belonging to others as we hold their needs with precious care (even if we can't meet their needs).

I am reminded of this recently as I get ready to journey to Honduras and Guatemala. In preparing for my multiple lectures there I am reviewing the tremendous environmental destruction and the ongoing oppression, poverty, and human suffering that I have witnessed and have been unable to stop. My heart aches to recall the children and the parrots I have known that have died and are no more except in my aging photographs and memory. In my longing for a better world and out of that ache for beauty to be given freedom to flourish, I grow in faith that I belong in this world, and so do others - both oppressor or oppressee. For there is neither wrongdoing or rightdoing, and neither oppressor or oppressee, just beings with precious needs that belong here, now. It is a blessing they were born. An in seeing that, I count my multiple blessings as well.

Blessed Be.

Where or when do you gain your greatest sense of belonging?

Peeling with Feeling

2010-03-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

Satyagraha means ‘holding to the truth in every situation’. This is ahimsa (nonviolence), which is more than just the absence of violence; it is intense love.

(Gandhi the Man p. 53)

I don't know about you, but it sure seems hard to hold to the truth in every situation. It seems my monkey mind wants to blame what his happening around me on the banana peel that "someone else carelessly left lying around." Let's say I did slip on that peel and landed on my back side. I get up cursing slobs, litterbugs, and perhaps even myself for not seeing that very clear and obvious yellow object in my path. Once I'm up, and have dusted myself off (after looking around to make sure no one saw me take the fall), I might then began to wonder about that peel as I peel away the layers of what could have happened. Maybe a family unit of gorillas, escaped from the zoo and on their way back to their mountains in Rwanda passed this way giggling and laughing at their new found freedom. Maybe the peel fell from the skies, caught up in a water spout hundreds of miles away, only to land near me so that I could wonder at weather patterns and the miracles of wind and water. Perhaps a person finished eating a banana and meant to put the peel in their back pack, but were so preoccupied with a recent diagnosis of cancer, they just missed the opening completely. As I put myself in the paws and feet of others, I bend over to pick up the peel, smiling, loving gorilla, genocide torn Rwanda, storms, my fellow human, and myself as I do one small thing to heal myself and the world.

What is one small thing you can do today to nourish your spirit, to heal the world?

Are You Out of Control?

2010-03-10T17:20:00.000-08:00

In recent days, an email list serve for NVC (compassionate communication) practitioners interested in brain functioning has been discussing the limits of NVC। For instance, when the brain is overwhelmed with emotional input or is short on energy, it diverts energy away from frontal lobe, which can cut down links to the higher cognitive functions. As NVC certainly trains the cognitive loops (stories) to impact the emotions, if you aren’t thinking very well, does it mean that you can’t be the peace you wish in the world? Examples include if you are tired, physically threatened, ill, and in a rage. Who of us has never “lost it?”

I know that I have। The times that my brain just doesn’t work is after the death of someone close to me, and also sometimes, when I am in the midst of playing soccer game and another player purposively fouls me. In either case I look back and realize that there isn’t much thinking going on – so much emotional processing I believe hampers the links to my frontal lobe. So in dire circumstances, does this mean that we cannot be peaceful, aware, and empathetic with others?

Perhaps not। Perhaps so। I do believe that the practice of NVC works imperceptibly over the short term but definitely over the long term to strengthen the ties between emotions and cognition, so that even when tired or threatened, there is modulation of my response that comes from a place of interconnected wonder instead of isolated defensiveness or withdrawal.

Not that I want to test this. It’s been a while since I played a soccer game and got slammed into the earth, or my heart got slammed with a death or broken relationship. However, the mini crisis, or the perceived but not actual threats do seem less intense. Will this save the world or save a life?
Perhaps not। Perhaps so.

What resources do you draw upon when you find that you are not thinking well?

Relax into No Right, No Wrong (It's Not Alright!)

2010-02-28T03:46:00.000-08:00

Recently I joined a group called, "Consciousness Transformation Community" facilitated by Miki Kashtan. On a phone call yesterday we of this virtual community spoke of the importance of feedback. I found myself moved by the practice of coming to a place of trust in the moment. So often I want to lead the conversation, or to just listen in so that I can give all that I can to the people involved. In so doing, I mourn that often I do not trust that the highest ideal of where I wish to be in relationship with others and with myself is with the beauty of existence and the power of connection. I'm wanting to "fix" the world and heal it. Perhaps we can judge this as noble, however, I find that it keeps me from authentic life-giving connection.

For instance, imagine that after delivering a sermon at my congregation, one person on the way out shakes my hand and says, "Your sermon didn't feed me today." What are my options? I can ask more questions of this person to see what needs of theirs are unmet, or perhaps engage in a way that helps me find out more about the feedback that will help me "heal the world" more efficiently in the future. Or maybe, just maybe I can relax and trust, and share with this person what is in my heart - to go for the connection without reacting to the content of the feedback. In this case I might say something like, "I feel sad to hear this because I can see how much you long for support and community this morning. Is this right?" In checking in with the other person, not leading or avoiding the conversation, I offer a prayer to the relationship gods and goddesses that I may rest in the field beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing.

Where do you diminish your chance for connection and speaking from the heart because you are concentrating on content, strategies, or "doing the right thing?"

Questions Elicit Wisdom

2010-02-21T10:22:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I heard Nonviolent Communication Trainer Miki Kashtan speak about the power of questions. If we can ask a question to help others see the value of something in their lives, they are more likely to listen to what learning you have to offer to them.

For instance, consider you would like to help your son see the connection between his feelings and his needs. You really long for him to be able to recognize what needs are coming up for him, so he can be a powerful agent in his own life to creatively work well with others to address these needs. Instead, you have been frustrated and saddened that he seems to be angry quite a bit, and blames this on you. So, you can ask him if he'd be willing to listen to the importance of connecting his anger to what needs lie underneath, or perhaps you could ask him this:

After you have expressed anger towards someone else, how do you feel later, and does it impact your relationship with them?

When you have been angry, what has worked for you to lessen your anger?

When you see that other people are angry, what have you seen others do to help them deal with their anger?

Out of these conversations he might be able to come up with what you hoped to "teach him" and he might open up to more listening to you because he appreciates respect and being heard. By questioning, you can bring to consciousness the wisdom within us all.

Where in your life do you wish to share/teach something to someone, where a question along might bring out the wisdom of the other?

And Also

2010-02-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

Open Heart

A few nights back I had a dream where "the answer" to life and the complexity of our days was "and also." It was a phrase to be uttered whenever I had a thought, or a judgment of a situation. By saying "and also" I cued myself to keep opening up to possibility and to what was going on in me and others. To say these words was to keep the heart open to what might be the deeper truth of my days - that all beings have inherent worth and dignity and that every moment is rich with the possibility of understanding and interconnection.

For instance, I might think, I am tired and don't want to work on this project.

And also...

I enjoy this project I am doing and the people who will be there.

And also...

My body is telling me I am sleepy and it would be good to take a nap

And also...

Wow, a nap in the sun would be so nice right now.

And also...

Gosh, the sun and sky are so beautiful today after all the rain.

And also...

It is good to be alive this day and to slow down to see the beauty before me.

What do you do to keep your heart open to possibility and connection?

Mourning

2010-02-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

I recently gave a seminar on Compassionate Communication: Nurturing Ourselves, Healing Our World. We spent a good part of the day reflecting, practicing, and offering one another nurturance and healing through self empathy, and out of that, taking the time for celebration and mourning. One participant asked me to elaborate on mourning and later said that this was an important aspect of life that does not get enough of her attention. What do I mean by mourning?

There are many ways to mourn. In the context of nonviolent communication we can say that it is taking the time to get in touch with our feelings and needs, and to rest in that "energy" and spaciousness without trying to fix it or move onto requests of ourselves or others. In this space we give ourselves, we move from "should" and "blame language" to looking to the underlying needs. By connecting to needs we connect to the pulse of life coming through us, and this can be healing even in the face of unmet needs and tragic choices that arise out of trying to meet a need. We may regret our choices and actions, or those of others, but we hold fast to our longings and dreams that are informed by connecting to universal needs. Giving ourselves time and energy to think about what might seem uncomfortable, frees us to treasure these needs, without discounting them just because an unmet need can bring up disquieting emotions.

So when you pick up the newspaper and read disturbing news, open an email, have a conversation, or recall a painful memory, take time to breathe and find the need behind the emotion. Take a few seconds or longer to think about this, meditate, or journal and give yourself full permission to feel and to treasure what you are learning about yourself and the good life, for yourself and for the world's beings.

Desire: Distinguishing the Universal from the Particular

2010-01-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

My spouse and cominister, Rev. Meredith Garmon, incorporated the theory and components of Nonviolent Communication (NVC) in a recent sermon he delivered to the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Gainesville on January 17, 2010. I was pleasantly surprised with the novel approach for the component “need” in NVC. His thinking relies on the difference between a universal desire and a particular desire. A universal desire is life seeking to flow in all humans. You desire something because it is how our species evolved and how we may flourish. In NVC language we often call this universal desire a “need.” A particular desire is the specific strategy you might employ to respond to the universal desire. The reason to say “desire” and not “need” helps us see how we can decrease the urgency for any of our strategies. This allows us to be more open to alternate strategies that might meet the desires of ourselves, others, and our communities.

Here’s how it works.

Think of something you’d really like to happen for you, or that you’d like to do. Perhaps it is something that you long for, or it’s absence causes you sorrow or stress. Maybe it is something that you think someone "should" be doing, or you "should" be doing.

See this as a particular desire, a kind of strategy for meeting a universal desire you share with the human species.

Now discover the universal desire behind the particular desire.

Example: Particular desire = Wanting your children to clean up their room or the house

Universal desires = order, beauty, support, ease

Next see how you might “let go” of the particular desire in that there are many ways to respond to the universal desire.

Example: You might think of making a game of cleaning so that the children are having fun (meeting their needs) or you might consider hiring a house cleaner, or sharing house cleaning with other families. Perhaps you take a different track all together, for order, beauty, support, and ease can be met in so many ways. You gain a sense of freedom in that your house doesn’t have to be clean right now or that your children have to do what you say. You also gain a connection to life because you are connecting to the validity and presence of universal desires in your life which connects you to all the earth and her beings.

Open yourself to let go of any urgency to meet the universal desire because the

freedom of choice offers you a chance to be fully live and powerful as you

embrace reality.

Example: Feeling connected to your own desires and perhaps that of your children, you are thinking of how important beauty is to you, and ease. Validating this gives you a sense of belonging in the world and of your interconnection and openness to others, even if they don’t do what you’d like them to do. One day you might come home and see how you don’t mind the house in disarray, and rejoice in the beauty in the people around you, and in yourself.

6. Celebrate or mourn the desire fulfilled or unfulfilled. The hope is to let go of

strategies, but to hold dear the life affirming desires.

May it be so!

Emotional Liberation

2010-01-25T05:31:00.000-08:00

(Liberation in Holland, WW II)

I have been practicing and growing in nonviolent communication (Compassionate Communication ala NVC by Marshall Rosenberg) since 2003 and I continually am surprised (gratefully and pleasantly) with the depth of this construct to grow my heart and add richness to my life.

For instance, I recently pondered the idea of emotional liberation. Here’s how it works.

1. You are responsible for your own emotions and nobody else’s.

2. This freedom from being victim or judge allows you to fully connect with your needs and the needs of others.

3. The result is that you can live more fully, embracing choice and love with an ever opening heart.

I can think of numerous examples in my own life where I think I take responsibility for my own feelings, but deep down, I assign away the rights of my interior life to external stimuli. For instance I had a relationship with my mother growing up from which I have observed came much emotional bag gage. From a emotional free distance I knew of her struggles in parenting and in healing her own child-hood wounds. I thought I had moved from blame to acceptance in much of this. With my mother’s dementia in the mix I find that off and on I am triggered emotionally by her behaviors, which are unpredictable, and with words that are full of blame and anger towards me and others. Unbeknownst to me, I have been holding her responsible for my discomfort and this results in a distancing in our relationship. Spending time (meditation and journaling) knowing that I can choose how I feel I discover relief and a lightness of heart, that in turn opens up ways for me to relate to her with a caring heart for her and myself

Where in your life are you held hostage or hold others accountable for your feelings? Would taking charge of our own feelings liberate you in any way?

Wired for Empathy

2010-01-17T14:15:00.000-08:00

The recent tragedy in Haiti confirms at least one thing in my mind. Humans are wired for non-empathetic responses to others. We go out of way to not witness the suffering, we deny, disbelieve, or rationalizethe stories, and send others in to address the human condition that we think must surely be someone’s fault.

In acute and massive events our empathetic channels open up, but over chronic situations that might even entail more individuals, our empathetic channels narrow. In times like this I wonder how we can keep empathy alive long enough so that the dire pre-earthquake circumstances in Haiti and similar countries and communities never happen.

Compassionate Communication gives us some tools to open our hearts and offer empathy so that we may strive for societal transformation in response to chronic oppression and not just respond with charity in catastrophic events.

Here’s one method that I use in my journaling and also my “time out” periods when I find myself responding to stimuli with expensive emotions that I’d rather not experience so I can instead use my energy on strategies to open myself and others to the full possibility of life.

I define empathy as recognizing my feelings and searching for what universal needs give rise to these feelings. Then I ask others, or guess, what they might be feeling based on needs met or unmet. Then I slow down, breathe, and take time to celebrate that I am connecting and open to life without judgment and open to whatever feelings come my way, and take time to mourn about the tragic consequences of disconnecting relational patterns in friends, families, and societies.

In the case of Haiti, I found my schedule rushed on those first initial days so I sat down for 30 minutes one morning and did the process described in the previous paragraph and then journaled about it. I discovered the possibility of doing this for a few minutes every day for those with whom I wish to connect (self, family members, friends, co-workers, people I know, people I’d like to know, people I regret knowing, and strangers near and far). My hope that is that I might I tap into enough empathy to endure the suffering of the world, and to grow in courage and strength to transform the suffering to global flourishing. This is my hope, this is my prayer, and may this be my practice.

Gender Doors, Not Wars

2010-01-11T07:34:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a conversation or experience with someone of another gender that you just couldn't understand? Did you have feelings that you weren't safe, that assumptions were made about you that weren't fair, or that you were thought of as over reacting, unfeeling, uncaring, blaming, or caviler? Subconsciously, if not consciously, I believe that we all are carrying the wounds and scars of gender categorization and oppression and that these unresolved issues undermine trust and intimacy in our every day interactions and friendships. I see this in myself and others in my home environment, work, congregation, and even in my dreams.

Broken relationships and costly emotions are tragic expressions of unmet needs. How do we strive to meet needs that arise from experiences in past relationships, our child hood, or even in our family and culture systems of decades past?

There are many possible approaches to this, and let me lift up one today: empathetic discussion. If you are having a difficult relationship with someone of another gender, consider taking out an hour sometime in the next week and have each person take a turn of saying what it has been like being "male," "female," or "transgender" - what are experiences that have caused pain or confusion, and joy or gratitude? Let each person speak for 5-10 minutes, uninterrupted, and then have the other person comment on what it was like for them, what feelings and thoughts arise in them, upon listening to the other stories. I have done this in large groups where the women go to the center of a circle and speak to one another of their experiences while the men listen, and then they switch. It has brought much healing, insight, and trust amongst those who were until recently arguing relentless over the toilet set lid being left up, the house unlocked, or household chores left undone. If you don't have a group or another person in which to share this, journal your own experiences and take a time to connect to the living energy of the needs met or unmet, and to mourn or show gratitude. By empathizing with ourselves and others, we open the door to creative solutions where we find that we all are on the same side, and indeed, there are no sides, only a continuum of biological expression striving to flourish in our culture.

Dreaming of a Right New Year

2010-01-03T15:16:00.000-08:00

Go ahead, dream big! Imagine the best world possible. What would it look like? Find someone to describe it to, someone who will listen to you for 3-5 minutes without interrupting or offering input. After those precious minutes, ask the person to identify any universal needs that came up in your description. As you listen to the needs behind your dream, rest in the energy of those needs without thinking if such a world is possible or probable. By connecting to life affirming needs you might, just might, dream into being a small part of the world you so long for.

For instance, what if your world included people laughing around you throughout the day, alternating with good music and hugs. What are the needs behind this dream? Comfort? Support? Fun? Diversion? Community? Love? As you connect to life through these needs you might realize how important they are to you and you might, just might, ask someone to tell you a joke, play a song, or give you a hug. Or you might, just might, tell a joke to someone else, look for a song you used to sing years ago, or offer a stranger a smile or a handshake. Or in the quiet of your own home (or perhaps the chaos of your own home) a smile comes to your face or a bitter sweet heart ache and you know that you and the world are right, just right.

Love is Born

2009-12-24T04:42:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite movies is "Love Actually," a Christmas movie that lifts up the song, "Love is All Around." In it, one character says, "Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

Our daily lives may not be particularly dignified or newsworthy, but in every moment it seems as if we have the chance to connect to the great desire of life to flow through us, and our responding dream to give life back, to give love back. Looking around at trees, birds, faces of friend and stranger, and the stars above, we see evidence of life as it shines on us. If we look for it, I suspect that our lives are like the most touching movie, and we become stars as we see the world as it is, a place of possibility that we can choose love, and hence choose life for all.

How might love be born in you this holiday season?

If I Were Abby

2009-12-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

I ponder what an advice column would look like in Compassionate Communication terms. I long for empathy free of judgments in such columns, for my dream of the beloved earth is that all beings have inherent worth and dignity, and recognition of their beauty calls us to find a way to stay in relationship with them, or with life affirming needs that our judgments illicit. To satisfy my need for connecting to such a dream, and for fun, I played around with how I would respond to the letter below if I were Abby.

Original Response from Abby:

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

My Response:

Dear Janet: I see that you are longing for connection with both your birth and adoptive mother, and that you are seeking meaning in your life and belonging. Is that right? The recent events have probably stimulated feelings of sadness, despair, and I suspect anger as well. Would you be willing for me to respond to your letter in terms of nonviolent communication? If so, read on (and you too dear readers!)

When I am in situations where I am severely disappointed with the actions of others I seek as much self empathy as I can muster. This helps me open my heart not only to them, but to myself and to all of life. In this way I move from thinking my feelings are ridiculous or my needs unimportant to full acceptance of who I am. In this way I can empathize with others. I then imagine myself as the other person. In your case, what might be going on for your adoptive mother? Does she feel disappointment and shame over her parenting skills, and loss and sadness of how she was parented by her own parents? Does she experience fear that she will lose you, or that her efforts of parenting are not appreciated? What you are trying to do is move from considering that your mother has personality flaws or to label her actions as cruel. Your goal is to be see her as a beautiful, whole being who if you can communicate this to her, might just open up to hearing your needs, and in this way your relationship can shift, heal, and even flourish.

I wonder what comes up for you readers when you hear my perspective on this? Are you curious about learning more? If so, visit my website where you can comment and learn more about life giving communication that will nurture your spirit and help heal your world:

Original Column:

DAUGHTER IS CRUSHED BY LOSS OF HER BIRTH MOM'S LETTERS

DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

Pearls of Peace

2009-12-07T16:10:00.000-08:00

On this day 68 years ago, Japanese fighter planes and bombers attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. It struck hard at the emotional core of many people, whose wounds still are with us today. How difficult it must have been for these survivors to come to terms with the "enemy" that killed their own. So great is the pain, surely someone must be to blame for the loss and sorrow in our lives. I don't doubt that people's actions and strategies do result in grievous harm, however, when we diminish our ability to empathize and have compassion for others, we have moved them from having inherent worth and dignity to being the different "other" that deserves what they get, and all that we can give them. The end result is that we pass on to others and to future generations this concept of enemy and people who "deserve" less than we do.

Whenever I diminish the worth of others in my thinking I pause to wonder what needs of mine am I not recognizing that I put the responsibility onto others? What needs unmet have I yet to mourn, or needs met I have yet to celebrate? If I perceive an enemy, a foe, or have a judgment against someone, it is a great opportunity for me to lift up my values, needs, and dreams. In this way I renew my spirit in our common humanity, and in this way can engage in difficult relationships and struggles against oppression and injustice with even a sense of gratitude for my enemies. For they tell me what is mine to hold dear.

I recall a quote from the 1985 movie "Enemy Mine:"

Davidge: "If one receives evil from another, let one not do evil in return. Rather, let him extend love to the enemy, that love might unite them." I've heard all this before... in the human Taalmaan.
Jerry: Of course you have. Truth is truth.

What a pearl of wisdom - enemies are not mine to keep apart and wreck revenge upon, but to grow my love so that we may yet be united.

(From the movie "Enemy Mine")

No Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T02:58:00.000-08:00

I know this is the season for giving thanks, but I’m of the frame of mind to suggest that we also need a season of not giving thanks. How often do we say “thank you” not because we are really grateful for the life sustaining actions of others and a desire to celebrate that appreciation with others, but instead say thank you from a place of politeness or wanting to make sure that others accept us? Sometimes when we say “thank you” I imagine that we do so to manipulate the other – to get them to keep on meeting our needs with their actions or words. Others do the same to us, and with every “thank you” heard it’s as if it is a demand to get us to do what some one else wants and not what we want. We oblige because we wish to stay in relationship, never questioning shared practices that do not strengthen relationships and can foster resentment. Often these practices are subtle and we don’t realize how we are like an army recruit at basic training that after being punished by the drill sergeant, we are trained to say, “thank you sir, may I have another?” To the practices of oppression and violence that induce individual and societal suffering, isn’t it time to say, “no thanks?”

How do we say, “no thanks?” I believe we can do this by telling others how we feel based on life sustaining needs met (or not). We don’t mindlessly offer up thanks or ignore chances to share gratitude, but honestly and courageously express the true desire of our hearts and minds, which are based on a dream of loving and empowering relationships, and equality.

It can be challenging to express our disappointment with others in an empathetic way. So start small and practice with easy things. Perhaps when offered this week a second helping of candied sweet potatoes, which you don’t really like you can say “no thanks, I’m quite satisfied with the wonderful meal we’ve already shared.” With practice we can from candied yams to saying no thanks to poverty, to lack of health care, to domestic violence, and to anything that does not say yes to life for all beings.

Mighty Mouse

2009-11-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

The mouse soul is nothing but a nibbler.

To the mouse is given a mind proportionate to its need,

for without need, the Almighty god

doesn't give anything to anyone.

Need, then, is the net for all things that exist;

man has tools in proportion to his need.

So, quickly, increase your need, needy one,

that the sea of abundance may surge up in loving kindness.

Rumi, Mathnawi, II 3279-80: 3292

Perhaps one of the kindest, most compassionate gifts we can offer ourselves and others is to recognize the great need in each of us. We all are needy - we long for love, community, health, beauty, safety, and peace. If we recognize the greet need in our species, and indeed of life on this planet, I believe that we open up the doors of love and power to flow through us. It is not us who own the needs, but interconnected life. To deny our needs, then, is to deny life. I believe that if we can make friends with the needs pressing around us, we ease up with the exact strategy to fulfill these needs, and this brings compassion, empathy, and healing into our relationships.

Where in your life, perhaps as parent or teacher, do you deny that you have needs and that life is inviting you to open to this so that you may fully live?

Certifiably Crazy

2009-10-27T12:14:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I travel to Seattle, and then on to Vancouver Island for my final step in Nonviolent Communication Certification as a Trainer. I wonder now what it means to be "certified?" In some ways there is a contradiction here - to use labels to categorize oneself or others can shut down an openness to learn about the other and to listen to them. Isn't Compassionate Communication all about not using labels or categorizing people? Perhaps, except when labels, positions, or categories can meet needs. What we long for in our lives is choice - and to have total choice this means that we can opt for judging others to meet needs. In my case, to be a "Certified Trainer" opens up doorways to support others within Unitarian Universalism and peace and multispecies activism, and this means a lot to me. I long for harmony, choice, and beauty and if being labeled as a "Trainer" helps others feel supported and have confidence in compassionate communication, then I will gladly wear that label. Perhaps I'm a bit certifiably crazy to dream of such a world where choice, interdependence, peace, and autonomy are the hallmarks of relationships. How about you?

What labels do you use on yourself? What needs are met by being "certified" as a parent, teacher, student, or spouse?

When is a Jerk a Jerk?

2009-10-14T04:07:00.001-07:00

In recent conversations I have heard others argue, "sometimes you just have to call people jerks." They aren't saying that you need to say this out loud to others, or that the people whose behavior doesn't meet your needs aren't children of God or the Universe. What they are trying to communicate to me is that certain behavior is "not acceptable." By calling people a jerk you have passed a judgment on the actions and not on the people themselves who of course, according to our Unitarian Universalist principles, always have inherent worth and dignity. So it's okay to let the inner chatter label people as jerks, right? Or to use this label or any other label as a short cut to trusted friends to speed up and clarify communication, right?

I've been thinking about this and here's what goes on for me. If I use the word "jerk" or categorize people in any way, even just in my thoughts, I shift. My heart constricts and I am less open to listening, empathizing, and connecting to other people and the dream of the way I wish to live. As a practitioner of Compassionate Communication therefore I attempt to identify the needs of what others are attempting to meet and let that be both the inner and outer conversation. In this way my heart opens to life and possibility and what we might do together.

Practice: One time today, observe when you label someone and she how you feel with this. Then identify the needs the person is pursuing and attempt to empathize with them. Does this make a difference in how you feel?

You Lie

2009-09-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

In recent news we heard how Representative Joe Wilson from South Carolina shouted, “you lie” at President Obama during his speech on health reform to the joint congress. In the days to follow I heard much talk about this, and in people’s sharings there was a sense of despair and hopelessness that we will not be able to work things out with such disparity of views and incivility in the public realm. How can we work towards the common good if we can’t even talk to one another?

I’m guessing that if you are reading this you aren’t a member of Congress, so let me bring this sense of “name calling” to our own lives. Where do you assume bad intentions of another person when their words or actions don’t meet up with your needs and expectations? I’m guessing it’s rather often. How can we work towards the common good if we in our own lives can’t talk to another without “name calling” and assuming we know what the other person means and what they intend?

Perhaps in your own life it might be like this. A friend of yours did not show up for a date you had set to go to dinner. You think, “she doesn’t care for me enough to call,” or “she never really wanted to be with me, I’m boring. I just wish she wouldn’t lie to me.” What if you checked out your paranoia by calling her and saying that you were disappointed that you didn’t have a chance to share this planned meal together and would she be willing to tell you what happened, why she didn’t show up?” You might get responses such as “My child was sick and we had to go to the emergency room,” or “I was so depressed I could not even get to the phone to call you.” This might be an opening for honest communication and a deepening relationship, or perhaps a deepening connection to life for both of you.

If we can hold onto this dream of how to communicate with one another, maybe one day, an angry and frustrated Representative might instead call up the President and say, “I am do disappointed with the process of legislation and I wonder if you’d be willing to talk with me about your values, views, and strategies so that we might come up with a plan that serves the common good and not just our individual or party agenda?”

If we could do this, we as a people would shout not “you lie” but would shout with gladness.

I Want Both of Us

2009-09-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

I Want Both of Us
Hafiz

I want both of us
To start talking about this great love

As if you, I, and the Sun were all married
And living in a tiny room,
Helping each other to cook,
Do the wash,
Weave and sew,
Care for our beautiful
Animals.

We all leave each morning
To labor on the earth’s field.
No one doesn’t lift a great pack.

I want both of us to start singing like two
Traveling minstrels
About this extraordinary existence
We share,

As if
You, I, and God were all married

And living in
A tiny
Room.

In Compassionate Communication, this heart-warming poem is a wish, desire, or longing and may invite empathy and dialog. For me it is a profound invitation to engage with the wonder and awe of life, and extend as much kindness as I can out towards others because we are all so precious and all struggling so. There is a difference, however, between this poem’s wishful qualities and a specific request. A specific request goes like this: would you be willing to tell me what comes up for you when you read this poem and read my words of reflection? I may want both of us to live a life based on love, but until I ask with concrete, doable, in-the-moment possibilities, I have not made a request.

In your day-to-day life, what would a request look like that asks someone else to talk with you about a great love?

We Are Of Love

2009-09-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

We are of Love

In Gainesville, Florida there is a congregation that posted a sign that says, “Islam is of the Devil” on their lawn. This raised public outcry, which was further inflamed when the school year began and the children from this church were sent home from school because they wore t-shirts with the same message on them. My son who works at a local market was sitting outside during break this week when a woman wearing one of those t-shirts came up to him and asked him if he was a Christian. The woman said her message spoke the truth and the only way to God was through Jesus. My son, a devote evangelical Christian, countered that we humans cannot know the truth of how to bring people to love and to God, but we can only let love and God live through us. He said that the woman, with her two young children, would stand a better chance of witnessing for God if she didn’t wear such a t-shirt. Instead, as she spoke to him people who walked by told the woman she was racist and wrong.

This incident is perhaps a more extreme example of how we all tend to get hooked on specific strategies or outcomes. Is this true for you? By setting our sights on our way of doing things, or of being right, do you find that you lose sight of the original dream, value, or need? In this case this woman is saying that the only way to love and to transcendence is through Jesus, and anything else is wrong. Do we in our own ways feel that there is a specific path for love, compassion, and community and judge others if they don’t agree with us? What if we just set our sights on love, connect to that energy, and let go of how we do things? For instance, what if in your congregation you let love flow through you and let go of the kind of music sung, the length or tone of the sermon, or the specific methods used in faith development for children and youth. I imagine that in my own congregation and it is how I wish to live in community – not idolizing my own perspective or even that of humanity, but instead looking inward and outward towards the dream of the community forming power of love, which some give the name of God.

With this potential within us all, I believe that we as a species are not of the devil, but of God, and when are not of evil, but of love.

What bedevils me is when I get stuck in the details of what I want, instead of what sustains my family, my friends, my congregation, this earth, and me.

What sustains you? What devils are in your details?

(Tasmanian Devil)

Common Sense for the Common Good

2009-08-31T16:53:00.001-07:00

Mounting scientific and archeological data supports the idea that humans evolved to be both collaborative and competitive – to seek self interests as well as interests of others. We have it in us to place a high priority on our own needs, as well as on the needs of others. What then do we do when self-interest competes with other interest, or we perceive that it does? When this happens to you, do you blame others for “not doing their share,” yourself for being “selfish” or for society being beyond redemption? Do you end up choosing between self-interest and other interest, and also losing connection with others, yourself, and your deepest dreams and longing?

I believe that there is another way. Common sense suggests, as does my experience, that there is a way that self-interest can align with other interest, and that is when I strive to meet my needs while also considering the needs of others. Pursuing the common good benefits all people, indeed all beings, without diminishing any ones needs. When two friends, a family, a community, a congregation, or a society or nation can put the common good (equally considering everyone’s needs) in the forefront, we will find that we have abundant resources and creativity to build better relationships and experience more beautiful and joyful moments, and hence realize the beloved community. This is my prayer not just for the future, but now, in the very next thought and conversation you and I have. May it be so. Blessed Be.

Faith Without Works

2009-08-24T14:07:00.000-07:00

I heard a sermon from Unitarian Univeralist minister Rev. Christine Robinson today as a podcast and was struck by something she said – “faith without works dies” (http://65.38.180.232/blogs/index.php?blog=7&m=200904, April 6, 2009 sermon ). By this she means that if we don’t act on that in which we put faith, the bedrock of meaning and hope in our lives will dwindle away. I wonder what you have faith in? Perhaps it is that we are here to serve? Maybe you feel that love is the highest aspiration of human relationships and endeavors? You might also say that you have faith in God, Unitarian Universalism, human possibility, or Compassionate Communication. In any of these value rich professions of faith, what actions live out the deep core of your being? What is the dream of living in this world, and how can you help make it so?

Perhaps you are unsure how to have faith, for love seems so far away or hard to do. Serving others doesn’t seem to make any difference. Maybe God, your congregation, people you know, or the 4 steps of Nonviolent Communication have failed you. How can one have faith in one’s deepest longings and dreams when it just doesn’t work out the way you want it to, or need it to?

Here’s the paradox for me. Faith isn’t to “work out” or “produce results.” But resting in faith, connecting to that divine energy of belonging and being beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing, can nourish you to do work based on this faith without being attached to outcomes. In this way your faith can grow as you cocreate with life around you. By resting in our faith, we can feel how life’s call is a clear bell sounding full of promise, an invitation to joy, and in the parlance of nonviolent communication, the bittersweet a request that may or may not produce results.

I sometimes find myself feeling overwhelmed thinking of the heart and body ache in this world. I can either work too hard to try to save the world and wear myself out, or not even want to venture out of the house because the “to do” list is too long, too demanding, “too important.” If I rest for just a few minutes, as I am doing now, letting my feelings of sadness or despair connect me to my needs, values, and longings, I find my spirits uplifted and prepared now to put myself out there into the world, working to build upon my faith, and maybe, just maybe, to build the beloved community.

In faith,

LoraKim

Judge Not, Want Not.

2009-08-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

When we judge someone else we are living out our human evolution by discerning how the other person is meeting our needs. Are they friend or foe? Will they compete or collaborate with me? Will being with them cause me to lose more energy than I will receive in return? Is this relationship worth engaging? Though judging and discernment is natural behavior, too often our judgment surfaces as more of a habitual response that harms relationships or disconnects us from life-giving conversations or actions. For instance, you might judge your parent, spouse, or child as “wrong” when they do not show up on time or clean up after themselves. Your response might be to withdraw from relating, or retaliating with verbal domination or violence. There is another way.

When you find yourself judging another, concentrate on what the judging says about your values and dreams. Our judgment about another says more about us than anyone else. Maybe you are irritated because your spouse did not do something he or she said they would, such as cook dinner. This tells you have a need for support, sustenance, ease, and dependability. Rest for a time in the energy of these needs without trying to fix the situation. Then consider the needs of your spouse in this situation. What needs were they attempting to meet? Perhaps some of the same ones apply, as well as fun, diversion, autonomy, and balance.

The hope is to open your heart to the full humanity of the other person, and to learn more about yourself and the other. When strategies for meeting needs to do not satisfy both parties, you encounter a wonderful chance to learn what values are important, what you long for, and how healing it can be to hold the other person tenderly in your heart as a precious being. Out of this spaciousness and presence, relationships can flow more from love and possibility, than from constricting unfulfilled expectations. Do you believe this? Try it and judge for yourself.

With the hope of healing,

LoraKim

A Hard Decree

2009-08-08T06:20:00.000-07:00

A Hard Decree
Hafiz

Last
Night
God
Posted
On the Tavern wall
A hard decree for all of love’s inmates
Which read:
If you heart cannot find a joyful work
The jaws of this world
Will probably
Grab hold of your
Sweet
Ass

This morning I am thinking of joy and work. Do you find joy in what you set for yourself to do? If not, I wonder if you have this litany in your mind’s chatter: I must do this for people are depending on me? I have to do this because it is what my responsibility as parent, friend, colleague, and employee? I should be doing something else because the world’s fate is entirely in my hands!

Hey, I’ve got some of that chatter too. Yet I wonder what is this wondrous life for? Why do we know beauty? Love? One another? If not for joy, than what else?

So how do we get to joy in the daily routine when “things must get done” and “money earned?” How do we let go of the bite of our mind’s blaming and guilt and get to that field beyond wrong doing and right doing? Might we really lie in the sweet grass instead of being burdened down by, and as if a, sweet ass?

What if you were to imagine the needs that your work fulfills? Say housework offers order and cleanliness to you and others, parenting nurtures and supports whom you love and gives you the chance to contribute, and your job provides security, protection, and connection. I am not saying that mixed in with these needs met by your work there are not also unmet needs. What I offer is an invitation to hold still for a moment, breathe in and out several times as you rest in the energy of these needs without trying to “fix” yourself, the work, or someone else. Connecting to these needs, we connect to life in full affirmation that we belong on this planet and are worthy. Out of this blessed acceptance of ourselves and others, we give birth to the hope of freedom and of joy. No longer prisoners of “should” and “must” there arises new ways of doing the work, changing our work, and enjoying our work.

May this be so.

Take No Prisoners

2009-07-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

I wonder where you are today? What aches lie in your body? What heaviness burdens your heart? What doubts slumber in your mind?

There is no secret to liberation from the daily digest of human woes, but there is nourishment in knowing that though you many not control the future and cannot change the past, for the very next moment, the very next breath, you can see yourself as beautiful.

You are the light of the world, and my prayer is that if we can take courage to grow our compassionate conciousness, we may extend our freedom beyond one moment, or one breath, and out to our one world.

May it be so.

(inspired by a poem by Sufi poet Hafiz, below)

We have not come here to take prisoners,

But to surrender ever more deeply

To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world

To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run my dear,

For anything

That may not strengthen

Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,

From anyone likely

To put a sharp knife

Into the sacred, tender vision

Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend

Those aspects of obedience

That stand outside of our house

And shout to our reason

"O please, O please,

Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners

Or to confine our wondrous spirits,

But to experience ever more deeply

Our divine courage, freedom,

and Light!

- Hafiz (We Have Not Come To Take Prisoners)

Intentions of Compassionate Communication Practitioners in Unitarian Univeralism

2009-07-15T04:10:00.000-07:00

We seek peace resulting from a Thou-Thou connection (a deep knowing and embodiment that the other person or being has inherent worth and dignity). This makes it possible for our needs to be met without depriving any person or persons the resources necessary to have their needs met. Compassionate Communication Consciousness is about seeking peace and justice in every moment.
In this complex world, we recognize the difficulty of living a life based on the values of equality and justice. Thus we realize the importance of an intentional spiritual practice as a basis for peaceful living, which in Compassionate Communication includes growing in intrapersonal and interpersonal relational skills. Practicing is not just building, but living the beloved community.
This spiritual practice of Compassionate Communication is deeply Unitarian Universalist as reflected in our principles and traditions. We have a long history of learning from others (unsealed revelation), affirming the inherent worth and dignity of all beings, recognizing our interdependence within our communities of mixed species, and our hope in the community forming power of love that comes through covenanted community.
There is no “right or wrong” way to “do” Compassionate Communication. We look beyond formulas, creeds, or specific steps in a spiritual practice, to growing our individual and collective consciousness so that as a community we increase our ability to love and stay engaged. To stay engaged and in relationship in the complex interplay of human fumbling and bumbling is to live out the hope and grace of religious covenant, the foundation of Unitarian Universalism.
Because Compassionate Communication embraces the heart of Unitarian Universalism and because inner peace is not separate from outer peace, seeking to grow and practice peacemaking in our hearts and congregations is a priority. Our sense of urgency arises from our capacity for individual, group, community, and societal violence, domination, and broken relationships, much of which we may unwittingly be a part. Suffering may be ever present, yet the possibility of peace and healing arises in every thought, breath, word, and action.
With this possibility of being the peace we wish to see in the world, we seek leading the change in our congregations and in our communities. We do not lose our way in anger and hurt because we recognize the opportunities inherent in conflict and relational tension to increase our own capacity for peacemaking within, among and between. By turning anger into a celebration of mourning unmet needs we can stay in relationship in the midst of conflict and enhance our ability to hear and consider everyone’s needs. By letting go of specific outcomes and strategies, we engage ever more deeply and joyfully with one another. With an invitation to play, we eventually overcome the differences between our strategies to meet needs, and instead concentrate on developing our collective spiritual life. In this creative milieu, we have the chance to truly understand the needs, dreams, and longings of others. In this understanding our congregations become ever-stronger centers of liberation and service.
Knowing the importance of support in this work, and how our shared practice will grow with your presence and input, we invite you to join us on our email list serve http://lists.uua.org/mailman/listinfo/uu-speakingpeace and on our website http://www.uuspeakpeace.org/.

Mending Our Covenant - Singing Hallelujah While Playing for Change

2009-06-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

I recently gave sermon, “Virtue, Vice, and Economic Advice.” In the service I played two music videos to highlight how we humans have broken our covenant with all of life, and how we might mend this covenant. In terms of Compassionate Communication, we live under an economic system where the needs of many aren’t even on the table, leaving many to starve while others stuff themselves at a feast made abundant only through the suffering of other beings. I believe it is possible to live another way, to equally consider all the needs of all life, and then to get creative about finding solutions out of this fix we are in. To know the needs of others, we must know of their lives, and mourn the sorrowful abundance of misery and unmet basic needs in this world. For this aim, I made a music video to the song, “Hallelujah” (sung by Alison Crowe and lyrics by Leonard Cohen). Once we can find a way to hold in our hearts the unmet needs of our earth and her beings, creative possibilities emerge, such as shown in the second video, “Playing for Change” set to the song “Stand By Me.” Though there is heartache in the world, we can find joy and playfully engage with others to mend our hearts and the living covenant that we were born under – the beauty of life that cannot be denied, be it in rainbow, human on the road, or bird in our hand.

Beautiful Booby

2009-05-17T05:14:00.000-07:00

Brown Booby (photo by Aviceda)

Recently I spied a Brown Booby, a kind of marine bird so named because of its silly antics. We also call others and ourselves boobies, our inner chatter full up self-defeating scripts and obsessions. What a loss that we don’t see that we are as beautiful in our natural state as is the Booby, and that if we can see this, we can fly free as a bird.

I believe this freedom is for everyone. To rid ourselves of rigidity, any negative judgment of self or another requires painful and yet liberating inner surgery. This procedure requires that we feel the pain and regret of unmet needs, in ourselves primarily, and stay in that energy for a while without trying to fix the situation or ourselves. Ultimately in a transcendent fashion, there is nothing to fix. We are perfect just the way we are and in that liberation, we can actually transform ourselves in every moment with every breath, word, thought, and action.

One way to believe that you belong on this earth as part and parcel of its emerald beauty is to recall a situation or something you saw that brought unpremeditated joy, peace, or a smile to you. Perhaps it is a child laughing in a park, a bird soaring overhead, a sunrise or sunset, the stars at night, a song, or a conversation with someone. In that moment, honestly, are there any judgments of yourself or others? Our inner work is to train our minds and our hearts to see that every moment is full of beauty and of loss, and in that cutting edge of reality, we may clean up the edges of our wounds and bind up the broken. May it be so.

Street Credibility

2009-05-11T07:43:00.000-07:00

This morning in the Gainesville Sun there is a story about an aspiring rapper who robbed a store in Gainesville to gain credibility as a rapper. As part of his plan, he shot a store clerk in the temple with a BB gun. I admit to a flash of dark humor about the “silliness” of our humanity and what our nature and culture brings us to do.

Yet there is also an internal flutter of discomfort and sorrow that says “this is not just this one man, or the rap culture, or street violence, this is in all of us.” To gain status, to gain acceptability, and to ease our fears we commit acts of violence or domination throughout our days, perhaps mostly in small ways.

If the spirit of the universe could look down on our spinning blue boat home form afar, she/he/it might also be struck with sweet sorrow about our kind. I also know that seen from afar, that the Spirit of Love’s heart would swell witnessing the countless acts of kindness committed on the street – someone waving someone else into a parking spot, another helping an elderly person across the intersection, and people offering words of comfort, solace, food to the homeless who call the streets and the woods their home.

Somewhere deep in us there is a place of choice, where we can act out the hope that we can offer life-giving acts throughout the day in the smallest of ways. In this fashion, we gain credibility with our own selves, and began to also see the beauty and power of us to live and breathe the beloved community in every moment.

Shining Your Mirror

2009-05-05T06:12:00.000-07:00

Recently while in Guatemala I kept hearing how “bad” humans were and that we weren’t as good or pure as the birds and the forest. The people telling me this were folks working with front line conservation in very bad conditions in the north forest of Guatemala. They were using all their people skills, mental abilities, patience, and heart to treat one another with compassion and to help save the planet. I worked with them as avian veterinarian, and also as “conservation chaplain,” trying to help them by being the mirror that showed their human essence as being beyond wrong doing or right doing. Believe me, this took work, because I had also to keep doing my deep spiritual work of shining my own mirror so it could reflect love and beauty back to them. It isn’t easy to shine with acceptance in a world so full of pain, sorrow, and disappointment, however, I know no other path for we humans to come into our own possibility of belonging on this planet so that the days of all beings may be long, and belong.

Where in your life do you experience others or yourself as “wrong” or “right?”How do you shine your own mirror so that others see that they are being wrongdoing and rightdoing?

To My Selves

2009-03-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

This poem was written by one of the co-authors of the Heart Talk curriculum that our congregation taught on Sunday mornings in the fall of 2008. She and I were having an email exchange where I was suddenly struck with the interdependence of life and one of the maxims of nonviolent communication – my needs can only ultimately be met by considering your needs, and that beloved community means coming up with strategies for meeting needs that also meet the needs of everyone, and of this beautiful world. No one was born to sacrifice their needs for another. Out of this interaction she wrote this poem which I share with you below.

This will be my last blog for a while as I will be in Guatemala for the next month (most of April 2009). I will be thinking of compassionate conservation while there and how this consciousness may facilitate conservation projects and promote the flourishing of the beings that they serve. For these beings are also ourselves.

To My Selves
Veronica Lassen

You are not alone
There is no alone.
You’ve never been alone.
For we are One.
Even in your despair
One with the Life Force

That was too much to hold by yourself

Rhythmically pulsing all throughout existence

The trees held you in their arms

One with the dancing planets

The earth understood you
One with the singing of fixing
Nitrogen bacteria and tree root

Companions you’ve never met
One with the love that permeates

Were praying that you would open to love

This cherished Uni-verse

Meditating between the notes
This one-song.
Filling all matter and space with

Relationship

Anger Pleas to Please to Peace

2009-03-15T06:44:00.000-07:00

This morning in our congregation Rev. Meredith Garmon is speaking about anger and of it’s natural place in our lives as we work with it to build peace in the beloved community. Anger is part of “hard wiring” in the basic primal emotional groups of emotions: mad, glad, sad, and afraid. To be human, is to respond in anger. Immediately however, signals of anger shoot up from our more primitive brain that responds with “fight or fright” to our cognitive centers and we begin to tell stories of why we are angry. Behind every anger response then is a “should.” We can be mad at our selves for what we should have done, mad at others for what they did or didn’t do, and underneath all of this, mad at existence for putting us in this awful pickle of being human and suffering all that we do as humans – loss, aging, death, pain, etc. In these “shoulds” then we have a chance to connect to life-giving needs, and from that to mourning, celebration in gratitude, and making specific requests as we move from victim hood to contributing to ourselves and the neighborhood. .

For example this happened to me this morning.

I opened the front page of the Gainesville Sun and there was a sticker saying “vote yes on Amendment 1” which is the amendment that would take away anti-discrimination protections from gay, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgendered people. The claim is that we need this amendment to keep men out of women’s restrooms. I had a surge of anger that came from shoulds: The Sun shouldn’t run this advertisement when they are against Amendment 1. People shouldn’t be fearful and prejudiced, and shouldn’t misrepresent the issues, etc. Translating this anger into needs I see that I long for equality, freedom, clarity, inclusiveness and understanding. Just writing these needs I feel the anger shift to empathy for the human species and a shift from “fight or fright/flight” to wanting to engage in the issue with compassion and with perseverance. If I stay in the shoulds I might flea with a plea on my tongue, “mend this world,” or might shift to thinking that those who hold different views from mine merit any less of my compassionate presence. I have faith that my compassionate presence and engagement with life will yield greater results than responding to the anger stimulus without consciously choosing what my actions and words might be. I choose peace.

Anger is a plea to please pay attention to needs, and when we do, we offer peace to ourselves and the world.

Pretty Please With Sugar On Top

2009-03-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

This evening I am wondering if you have heard recently any hard to hear complaints from anyone in your life? Has anyone said something that appears to judge or blame you or someone else? Do you feel like withdrawing from the relationship or perhaps become defensive in thought or word? Well, me too. When this happens I try to step back and take a couple of deep breaths so that I can connect to live through understanding universal needs, of how heart and hope and justice is striving to get through in all our conversations. Then I try these two things:

1. Place myself in their shoes. What might they be feeling and needing. Breath with this a while and connect to the energy of these needs without telling stories about whether the person "should" have these needs or whether they are demanding something of you or the world or not.

2. Hear in their words "please." In their howling and growling they are really shouting out with their hearts, "please, someone, anyone, help me." Or perhaps, "fix it!" or "mend my life!" Breath with this for a while and imagine them saying please, pretty please, with sugar on top. Their words and body language might not have suggested this compassionate language to you, and might never. You don't have control over them. You can only change yourself. So take a few moments, a few hours, even a life time and hear the please in others, in yourself, and in the world. It is a cry for you to connect to the beauty of the needs. And out of that connection might just come the turn of heart in yourself and others to have all the needs of others valued and on the table. Once you get everyone at that table, there will be plenty of pretty please with sugar on top to feed the world with a wonderful dessert of compassion, just deserts for all life. Maybe you won’t get what you want, but the sweet sorrow will feed your heart.

For the hope not of a sweet tooth, but a sugary please,
(let us not bite, but delight),
LoraKim

All You Need is Time

2009-03-01T15:14:00.000-08:00

(Members of our congregation protesting the Charter Amendment

- Independent Aligator)

Recently I’ve been reflecting on time management and how my life has so many balls in the air I’m juggling. I wonder too if you are busy with home, family, community, and congregation? Do you find that on some days you have an “edge” because you aren’t getting your needs for ease and rest met, and you have less energy to engage with others, or to offer yourself empathy?

I shared my concerns with nonviolent communication trainer Sura Hart this past week of how I see the people in our congregation doing so much that we have troubles communicating, remembering, and focusing on what will bring us the most life fulfilling connections and activities. She said that she really feels that the “lack of time” is what is the most significant contribution to difficulty in parenting relationships with partners and with children. So how do we decide what to let go of, and what to grab on tight to with all our heart and energy? We live in a new age where even in the last few years I see an acceleration of time grabbers through technological advances on the Internet. It seems we don’t have the tools to know how to slow down, and how to choose between saving and savoring the day. Compassionate Communication may offer us some insights into tools that we can use together.

1. Before you arise each morning think of the most compelling needs you have for that day. Don’t move into thinking of how to meet those needs, just rest in the “energy” and “feeling” of those needs. What would it feel like to have those needs met? This will help you embody your needs and in the long run will help you take clear action steps.

2. Before you begin a meeting or gathering of others, share with one another the most compelling needs you have for that day, or for that week. It is a bit like sharing joys and sorrows. The group doesn’t move into thinking how to meet those needs, or what projects or activities to do, but together you share the energy and feeling of those needs. What would it feel like for each to have their needs met? This will help the group learn from each individual what are the more important needs alive in us, and will help us take clear action steps that let go of perfection and aim for authentic heart-filling days.

I have seen how groups can struggle if they don’t do this heart check-in. For instance, I serve on the Florida Unitarian Universalist District Board and for several meetings we were at an impasse regarding next steps for the district’s anti-racism, anti-oppression, multiculturism work. (ARAOMC). We didn’t know what to do. Then we had a time for sharing our stories of how oppression had impacted our lives and what we longed for. Almost immediately the way became clear as our hearts merged into one. Now ARAOMC is a priority for our district.

Similarly we are in the middle of a heart struggle in our congregation. There is anti-discrimination legislature that might be repealed at an upcoming City of Gainesville election on March 24, 2009. If passed this will negatively impact our GLBT people, and hence all of us. Over the last few months the congregation did not take an official stand against this action and now some of us share regret with one another that perhaps we missed a chance to really focus on what is important to those we care for, for ourselves, and for our Gainesville community. If we had taken more time over the course of the last months on this to share our hearts, needs, longings, and mournings, would the way have become clearer on what is ours to do?

The wonderful thing about Compassionate Communication is that it is never too late. Now we are sharing our hearts regarding this upcoming vote, and as we let go of perfection over our past actions, I believe we are more clearly aiming, together, for shared authentic heart-filling days so that we may take clear action steps. May it be so.

All You Need is Love

2009-02-23T07:45:00.001-08:00

Love is both a feeling and a need. Love as a feeling is transitory and is what we experience when our need for love is met. Love as a need is universal in nature, is always present, and it not connected to any person at any particular time. Love is a core need, is a precious need, and is always with us. Meeting this need can happen in a variety of ways. It need not happen through one person such as a partner, parent, or child. I also feel that love can be a request and is a doable action in the moment. In fact, I believe there is a way to observe without judgment that is love in action – it just flows from the heart as a way of seeing the world. So love is observation, feeling, need, and strategy/invitation/request – it’s everything!

This is just about my favorite need! I often go around singing “all you need is love, love, love.” And my favorite movie might just be “Love Actually” where there is this quote: “When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.” I really do believe love is all around – love as the beautiful energy of the needs. The light of the day and the depth of the night’s dark shimmers with the possibility of love. Love as a feeling “ain’t enough” but love as a need to guide us and to be in touch with, is all around, and is the power of interconnection that makes us whole.

Students, and Masters, and Bears, Oh My!

2009-02-15T14:55:00.000-08:00

Have you been grouchy lately with people you love and care for? Do you wonder how in the world you shall be compassionate, when you can’t even be civil to those closest to you? If this might be you, here’s a story about Grouchy Black Bear.

Black Bear came to a meeting late and said, “I’m feeling frazzled after dealing with my cub. What if I don’t feel compassionate?”’ Raven said, “Fake it.” “That doesn’t seem honest,” said Black Bear. “It doesn’t begin with honesty,” said Raven. (From Robert Aiken’s book, Zen Master Raven)

In this Zen story we imagine that we hear that honesty isn’t important – honesty about one’s feelings and needs in a particular situation. Actually holding one’s feelings/needs in tender awareness is primary in compassionate communication. What the story is saying to me is that there is a time to focus on another’s feelings and needs in empathy for the hope of understanding them. At first this might seem forced as the internal chatter is going on and on evaluating yourself or others. Yet over time practice can lead to an opening heart that flowers with greater possibility for authentic and loving relationships between you and another. Here is another Zen story that builds on this.

One day a student asks the Zen master, “Why are you hiding the final secret of Zen from me?” The master says that he has kept nothing hidden but the student continues to demand to know how to live the compassionate way. One day they are walking and a bird sings. The master asks, “Did you hear the bird sing?” “Yes,” said the student. “Then you know I have hidden nothing from you.” “Yes,” said the student.

In this story though the student had worked with the master for years, the artistry of Zen and living from the heart was not happening. The student was still trying to follow a formula, a description based on words, when actually Zen was “beyond words” just as Compassionate Communication is “beyond wrongdoing and right doing.” By hearing the bird sing the heart of the student was awakened, and she saw that living from the heart was the secret of nonviolent communication. It’s really not so much a secret, it just takes being open to hear the song of life around us and thus say yes to life!

For those times when the heart is struggling to be open, practice can help unlock the light within as more light of love enters. By checking in with another person and confirming what you understand to be their feelings and needs, there will come times when you are struck with heart felt compassion, and this can come as a joyful surprise even in the midst of your grouchiest days. Through practice we say yes to life. The hope is that every conversation, every thought, and every moment gives us the chance to practice the compassion we wish in the world. Practice may not make perfect, but it does make peace. Just say yes!

Seeing Your Shadow

2009-02-07T16:15:00.000-08:00

(island11.wordpress.com/2007/09/16/133/)

This past Monday, the ground hog saw her shadow, meaning 6 more weeks of winter. When you see your “shadow side” do you feel a winter’s worth of discontent or a cooling of relationships and life giving connection to others?

What do we mean by “shadow?” Whether in Jungian terms, or in the metaphor of the Jackal, we each inside of us have natural darkness that companions our light. We are primates of this earth, and we will always be looking at others we know and judging whether they are friend or foe, if they mean us harm, or whether our relationship with them will prove to our advantage. We need this to survive. Our native ability to survive howls like a “Jackal” when we turn this biological valuable discerning process into domination, violence, or negative judgment of the other.

Another version of “shadow” is that if we have a certain combination of gifts, it means that we will have “shortcomings” in other areas. For instance, perhaps you are quite empathetic with what others are feeling, meaning you can really see yourself in their shoes. However, this strong empathetic sense can lead to despair and depression as you become overwhelmed with the suffering of the world.

“Shadow” can also mean that there are realities of your life, experiences, and native orientation that you have not embraced, and that you judge as not part of you and “wrong.” When you turn away from the deep knowing and truth of your own life, you “project” your own discomfort and self-judgment onto others, hence treating them as less than human or with less kindness and compassion you might otherwise.

So many shadows lurk in our lives. In reference to that old radio show; “who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, the shadow knows!” Indeed, such wisdom there is in this. By getting to know our shadows we can learn where the seeds of judgment, denial, and violence lurk, and shower them with our attention so that they grow into life giving understandings of ourselves.

For example:

Let’s say that you really don’t like people who “talk too much.” You avoid them because it’s obvious they don’t care about anyone but himself or herself and are social misfits. Where in this do you see your own shadows? Do you judge yourself for conversing with others? Did someone in your past judge you for talking when they wanted you to be quieter? Are you a natural “extrovert” and you think out loud, and in your past people have rebuffed you for this natural gift of yours (Extroverts’ gifts are that they tend to be friendly, outgoing, and welcoming of others, and the shadow is, well, they can talk a lot and forget to listen to others as much as they would like). Also, perhaps we don’t want to be around people that frequently talk because we desire quiet ourselves, or safety or ease in public spaces, and also know that we have a deep desire to be heard and understood. All of these examples of what your shadow is telling you can be life giving. They tell you that you have formed judgments of yourself and others based on what someone needed from you, or that you need yourself. If we connect to the beauty of universal needs, we might let go our judgments, and be more present to the light of possibility in our relationships and in self-awareness.

So go ahead and see your shadow, for it means that there is light to see the beauty that is inside you, is you, and is all around you.

Transforming Hard to Hear Messages to Heart to Heart Messages

2009-02-01T18:54:00.000-08:00

I wonder if you have places in your life where you dread talking to a particular person or avoid them because of the possibility of discomfort or of hearing and saying things you’d rather not? Perhaps you don’t trust yourself to have the skills to react with compassion for yourself or for others? Or maybe you really don’t want to hear “you aren’t good enough” or criticisms about the way you think, feel, or do things? It’s true that we only have so much time and energy to deal with social challenges, and I’m guessing that the desire for ease and harmony are factors why you may not seek to connect with people. I’m also guessing that fear is at the root of why you might be avoiding connection, and hence missing the change to live authentically, with power and aliveness based on life giving needs.

If this is you (and I can’t imagine anyone for whom this doesn’t fit) there is a way you can intentionally practice to overcome your fear. To begin with, imagine the very worse that could happen in a conversation. Notice any feelings that arise and the needs behind the hard to hear message. Mourn that these needs might not be met, and probably aren’t being met right now with that individual. Then rest in the beauty of these life-giving needs. To connect to these needs is to give yourself life, to open your heart, and be open to empathy for yourself and the other person. From here creative possibilities may emerge. You might never ever actually hold this conversation with the other person, but you will get in touch with your needs and out of this you gain the strength to make requests of yourself and others that serve life instead of hiding in disconnecting fear.

For example, imagine that you are avoiding someone at your work place who you feel isn’t doing the work they were hired to do. You avoid talking to them because in the past they have responded angrily when you asked them to do something. Imagine now asking if they’d be willing to talk to you for a few minutes, and they agree. What is the worse thing you might hear? Perhaps you’d hear something like this.

You are always so bossy. Who made you secret chief of this office?

Your needs here are respect, consideration, being heard and understood. These are lovely, gorgeous needs. This is what you choose to connect to and not the stories and voices of your past saying your are “selfish” or “bossy” or a “troublemaker.” These are labels that are labile. They cause instability in relationships, and send a message to you to adapt to life giving messages based on needs and not on judgments.

In this way you can move from hearing judgments and maybe, just maybe, you can overcome your fear and actually talk face to face with a person, because what could come out of this will be life and love and understanding. In time, you’ll be able to transform these hard to hear messages into heart to heart messages. May this be so

Secret Hierachy of Needs

2009-01-25T14:30:00.000-08:00

Recently I heard Miki Kashtan, NVC Bay Academy co-founder, speak of a secret hierarchy of needs. Lurking in each of us we have the needs that we “allow” others and ourselves that are less favorite. For example, perhaps you feel it’s okay to have the need of companionship, but not support or nurturance. You enjoy other’s company however you don’t “need” help from anyone, or you don’t want to bother them. In this case you might be looking at people you know or meet and classify them as “too needy” or “too independent.” You are judging them and this can cause distancing in relationships, or worse, outbursts from yourself of domination and power over others. Somehow they are wrong for having the need of support and nurturance.

By being aware of how we judge others we come to full alert to see how we judge ourselves for having the same needs and for being human when we’d rather be perfect.

So when you see yourself judging someone else it could be a sign of how you have blocked a full appreciation of the abundance of life trying to flow through you and how you have denial or discomfort with universal needs. Therefore, if you desire to decrease your judgment of others, you may wish to spend time becoming aware of all your needs. To do this, contemplate what it feels like to have the need of support met. Do this more than once and often. Then contemplate what it feels like to have the need for support unmet. Then shift into just being present with the need of support, not in any particular way in your own life, just with the dream and longing of life seeking ways for we social beings to support one another. In this way you can sense the beauty of this need and come to see this need in others and yourself as worthy and not let judgment of others interfere with the flourishing of relationships and peace. This happens because we open to all our needs and do not let the silent, ignored ones dictate our actions and keep us from the freedom of choosing how to best meet our needs and the needs of others.

May freedom ring in your heart and mind as the world rings in the Chinese New Year tomorrow.

What Would Martin Luther King Do?

2009-01-18T19:03:00.001-08:00

On this day of celebration, heralding a new age ever possible because in part of our collective memory growing stronger about the importance of Dr. King and because of the first African Descent US President, nonviolence comes to mind. Civil rights has been a battle, and continues to be so – can we win by nonviolence when there are those that would use violence and domination against us so that their needs have priority over ours? This was a major question and divisive point during the 1960’s and 1970’s, and continues to be so today. Can we win against terrorism with a Department of Peace alone? Is it possible to raise children without the threat of punishment? Get our partners to do what we want without blame and judgment? The operative word here is “win.” If there is ever a sense of a side, or only two ways of doing things, such as violence versus nonviolence, or my way or your way, then we get bogged down into struggling for whose strategy gets prominence instead of letting go of outcomes and seeing what new, creative, life giving possibility might emerge.

Listening to other’s needs does not mean allowing your needs to be diminished or taken from the table. There might even come a time when you have to “shout” out what your needs are because the “other” isn’t listening, or even use protective use of force when the “other” is too ignorant, unable, or unwilling to keep themselves or others from harm. What would Martin Luther King do today in your shoes? That is the question I leave to your imagination. My guess though is that he would listen and then shout from the highest mountaintop if needed to keep the dream alive. He’d make them hear him, perhaps only after he had been doubly sure he had heard them.

Perhaps this is a simple guide then. Listen for clarity with every possible breath, then listen again. Then give the other a chance to listen, and then try again. But don’t ever let any disappointment in lack of communication and connection turn you around – keep on listen’, shoutin’, and cryin’ if need be for the us to become the we. We. We. All the way home to the beloved community.

In faith of freedom,

LoraKim