Love is Born

One of my favorite movies is "Love Actually," a Christmas movie that lifts up the song, "Love is All Around." In it, one character says, "Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaking suspicion... love actually is all around."

Our daily lives may not be particularly dignified or newsworthy, but in every moment it seems as if we have the chance to connect to the great desire of life to flow through us, and our responding dream to give life back, to give love back. Looking around at trees, birds, faces of friend and stranger, and the stars above, we see evidence of life as it shines on us. If we look for it, I suspect that our lives are like the most touching movie, and we become stars as we see the world as it is, a place of possibility that we can choose love, and hence choose life for all.

How might love be born in you this holiday season?

If I Were Abby

I ponder what an advice column would look like in Compassionate Communication terms. I long for empathy free of judgments in such columns, for my dream of the beloved earth is that all beings have inherent worth and dignity, and recognition of their beauty calls us to find a way to stay in relationship with them, or with life affirming needs that our judgments illicit. To satisfy my need for connecting to such a dream, and for fun, I played around with how I would respond to the letter below if I were Abby.

Original Response from Abby:

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

My Response:

Dear Janet: I see that you are longing for connection with both your birth and adoptive mother, and that you are seeking meaning in your life and belonging. Is that right? The recent events have probably stimulated feelings of sadness, despair, and I suspect anger as well. Would you be willing for me to respond to your letter in terms of nonviolent communication? If so, read on (and you too dear readers!)

When I am in situations where I am severely disappointed with the actions of others I seek as much self empathy as I can muster. This helps me open my heart not only to them, but to myself and to all of life. In this way I move from thinking my feelings are ridiculous or my needs unimportant to full acceptance of who I am. In this way I can empathize with others. I then imagine myself as the other person. In your case, what might be going on for your adoptive mother? Does she feel disappointment and shame over her parenting skills, and loss and sadness of how she was parented by her own parents? Does she experience fear that she will lose you, or that her efforts of parenting are not appreciated? What you are trying to do is move from considering that your mother has personality flaws or to label her actions as cruel. Your goal is to be see her as a beautiful, whole being who if you can communicate this to her, might just open up to hearing your needs, and in this way your relationship can shift, heal, and even flourish.

I wonder what comes up for you readers when you hear my perspective on this? Are you curious about learning more? If so, visit my website where you can comment and learn more about life giving communication that will nurture your spirit and help heal your world:

Original Column:

DAUGHTER IS CRUSHED BY LOSS OF HER BIRTH MOM'S LETTERS

DEAR ABBY: I am nearly 50, and learned when I was in my early 30s that I was adopted. I became engaged to a man my adoptive mother did not like. When I told her the news, her response was, "Do what you want -- you aren't ours anyway!" I was devastated. I didn't realize it was literally true until years later, when several of my cousins confirmed it.

Since then, I have located my birth family, although my birth mother died long ago. I asked my adoptive mother (who was and still is "Mom" to me) to please send me all the documents she had relating to the adoption, as well as some letters she mentioned that my birth mother had sent in later years saying she was thinking about me and hoping I was well. Mom told me she had thrown them all out! I was devastated all over again.

Mom says I'm overly sensitive, that the papers were worthless trash and were hers to dispose of. Over the years she had promised several times to show them to me but never did. Now she claims I knew all along that I was adopted and just wanted to find a better mom.

Abby, am I being ridiculous? I still have a hole in my heart because I'll never speak to my birth mom, although my siblings have filled in a lot for me. I was able to get my birth certificate and some other papers, but would have loved to have read the letters my birth mom wrote asking about me. I haven't spoken to Mom since, and I'm waiting on your verdict now. --- JANET IN TEXAS

DEAR JANET: Your feelings are not "ridiculous." It was cruel of your adoptive mother to promise to share your birth mother's letters with you and then to destroy them. She may have done it because she was deeply insecure about whether she would measure up in your eyes if you saw them. Her comment at the time of your engagement was also cruel in light of the fact that you had no clue that you were adopted when she

Was this woman EVER a loving and supportive parent? If so, then try to forgive her. But from my perspective, "Mom" has some glaring personality flaws, and whether you speak to her is strictly up to you.

Pearls of Peace

On this day 68 years ago, Japanese fighter planes and bombers attacked Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. It struck hard at the emotional core of many people, whose wounds still are with us today. How difficult it must have been for these survivors to come to terms with the "enemy" that killed their own. So great is the pain, surely someone must be to blame for the loss and sorrow in our lives. I don't doubt that people's actions and strategies do result in grievous harm, however, when we diminish our ability to empathize and have compassion for others, we have moved them from having inherent worth and dignity to being the different "other" that deserves what they get, and all that we can give them. The end result is that we pass on to others and to future generations this concept of enemy and people who "deserve" less than we do.

Whenever I diminish the worth of others in my thinking I pause to wonder what needs of mine am I not recognizing that I put the responsibility onto others? What needs unmet have I yet to mourn, or needs met I have yet to celebrate? If I perceive an enemy, a foe, or have a judgment against someone, it is a great opportunity for me to lift up my values, needs, and dreams. In this way I renew my spirit in our common humanity, and in this way can engage in difficult relationships and struggles against oppression and injustice with even a sense of gratitude for my enemies. For they tell me what is mine to hold dear.

I recall a quote from the 1985 movie "Enemy Mine:"

Davidge: "If one receives evil from another, let one not do evil in return. Rather, let him extend love to the enemy, that love might unite them." I've heard all this before... in the human Taalmaan.
Jerry: Of course you have. Truth is truth.

What a pearl of wisdom - enemies are not mine to keep apart and wreck revenge upon, but to grow my love so that we may yet be united.

(From the movie "Enemy Mine")

No Thanksgiving

I know this is the season for giving thanks, but I’m of the frame of mind to suggest that we also need a season of not giving thanks. How often do we say “thank you” not because we are really grateful for the life sustaining actions of others and a desire to celebrate that appreciation with others, but instead say thank you from a place of politeness or wanting to make sure that others accept us? Sometimes when we say “thank you” I imagine that we do so to manipulate the other – to get them to keep on meeting our needs with their actions or words. Others do the same to us, and with every “thank you” heard it’s as if it is a demand to get us to do what some one else wants and not what we want. We oblige because we wish to stay in relationship, never questioning shared practices that do not strengthen relationships and can foster resentment. Often these practices are subtle and we don’t realize how we are like an army recruit at basic training that after being punished by the drill sergeant, we are trained to say, “thank you sir, may I have another?” To the practices of oppression and violence that induce individual and societal suffering, isn’t it time to say, “no thanks?”

How do we say, “no thanks?” I believe we can do this by telling others how we feel based on life sustaining needs met (or not). We don’t mindlessly offer up thanks or ignore chances to share gratitude, but honestly and courageously express the true desire of our hearts and minds, which are based on a dream of loving and empowering relationships, and equality.

It can be challenging to express our disappointment with others in an empathetic way. So start small and practice with easy things. Perhaps when offered this week a second helping of candied sweet potatoes, which you don’t really like you can say “no thanks, I’m quite satisfied with the wonderful meal we’ve already shared.” With practice we can from candied yams to saying no thanks to poverty, to lack of health care, to domestic violence, and to anything that does not say yes to life for all beings.

Mighty Mouse

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The mouse soul is nothing but a nibbler.

To the mouse is given a mind proportionate to its need,

for without need, the Almighty god

doesn't give anything to anyone.

Need, then, is the net for all things that exist;

man has tools in proportion to his need.

So, quickly, increase your need, needy one,

that the sea of abundance may surge up in loving kindness.

Rumi, Mathnawi, II 3279-80: 3292

Perhaps one of the kindest, most compassionate gifts we can offer ourselves and others is to recognize the great need in each of us. We all are needy - we long for love, community, health, beauty, safety, and peace. If we recognize the greet need in our species, and indeed of life on this planet, I believe that we open up the doors of love and power to flow through us. It is not us who own the needs, but interconnected life. To deny our needs, then, is to deny life. I believe that if we can make friends with the needs pressing around us, we ease up with the exact strategy to fulfill these needs, and this brings compassion, empathy, and healing into our relationships.

Where in your life, perhaps as parent or teacher, do you deny that you have needs and that life is inviting you to open to this so that you may fully live?

Certifiably Crazy

Tomorrow I travel to Seattle, and then on to Vancouver Island for my final step in Nonviolent Communication Certification as a Trainer. I wonder now what it means to be "certified?" In some ways there is a contradiction here - to use labels to categorize oneself or others can shut down an openness to learn about the other and to listen to them. Isn't Compassionate Communication all about not using labels or categorizing people? Perhaps, except when labels, positions, or categories can meet needs. What we long for in our lives is choice - and to have total choice this means that we can opt for judging others to meet needs. In my case, to be a "Certified Trainer" opens up doorways to support others within Unitarian Universalism and peace and multispecies activism, and this means a lot to me. I long for harmony, choice, and beauty and if being labeled as a "Trainer" helps others feel supported and have confidence in compassionate communication, then I will gladly wear that label. Perhaps I'm a bit certifiably crazy to dream of such a world where choice, interdependence, peace, and autonomy are the hallmarks of relationships. How about you?

What labels do you use on yourself? What needs are met by being "certified" as a parent, teacher, student, or spouse?

When is a Jerk a Jerk?

In recent conversations I have heard others argue, "sometimes you just have to call people jerks." They aren't saying that you need to say this out loud to others, or that the people whose behavior doesn't meet your needs aren't children of God or the Universe. What they are trying to communicate to me is that certain behavior is "not acceptable." By calling people a jerk you have passed a judgment on the actions and not on the people themselves who of course, according to our Unitarian Universalist principles, always have inherent worth and dignity. So it's okay to let the inner chatter label people as jerks, right? Or to use this label or any other label as a short cut to trusted friends to speed up and clarify communication, right?

I've been thinking about this and here's what goes on for me. If I use the word "jerk" or categorize people in any way, even just in my thoughts, I shift. My heart constricts and I am less open to listening, empathizing, and connecting to other people and the dream of the way I wish to live. As a practitioner of Compassionate Communication therefore I attempt to identify the needs of what others are attempting to meet and let that be both the inner and outer conversation. In this way my heart opens to life and possibility and what we might do together.

Practice: One time today, observe when you label someone and she how you feel with this. Then identify the needs the person is pursuing and attempt to empathize with them. Does this make a difference in how you feel?