Empathy 101 - President Obama and Clinton

Last weekend I facilitated a Nonviolent Communication training hosted by the Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Miami and just yesterday I was at the UUA Midsouth District Healthy Congregation Meeting where I facilitated NVC during a 4 hour workshop. I've got empathy and honesty on the brain, and some very lovely and dedicated people in my heart.

Part of the way I conduct seminars is to role play with participants so they can keep their hearts open in order to empathize with others, and with themselves. The goal is to not get into "thinking" and "defending" your position, but to offer empathy to the other if you feel they need it. This takes practice to do, because we so often think that if the other person just understood our position, they would do what we want. Clarity is always a good thing, however, people who need empathy often aren't able to hear explanations and requests. So we practice empathy, empathy, empathy.

Just this week there was an editorial cartoon in the Gainesville Sun with President Clinton teaching empathy to President Obama. I imagined myself role playing with Obama in this scenario. I would coach him by saying he started off well by checking in with the feelings of Clinton. His next step would then to be to link feelings with universal needs instead of going into explanations.

For instance, he might have said, "I'm guessing that you are anxious and frustrated, because you really long for empathy and an authentic connection with me. Is this right?"

To which, in my role play I would say as President Clinton. "Yes, I'm frustrated, but it's because you talk so much about empathy without really doing it. We are losing our democratic majority. Can't you just connect to the people?"

To which Obama, in my dreams, would reply, "You long for mutual empowerment in the government, with me, so that we can bring about a country where all people, and all beings, flourish. I want that too. Would you be willing to bring in an NVC facilitator so that me and my staff can keep our hearts open so that the needs of all are on the table, without making enemy images of those who have different strategies?"

In my dream that night, I really did dream of Obama. He was unsure at first, and then broke out laughing and was joyful with me. I awoke wondering if somehow we had gotten empathy from me, and so was able to connect to this heart, and to all hearts.

May the healing power of empathy be his and yours this day.

Fiddling While Rome Burns

My booth next to Trapper booth

“We need an inclusive movement and need to eliminate anything that stands in the way of that.” These were words during the presentation, “Fiddling While Rome Burns,” given by Shane Mahoney the plenary speaker for the International Congress of Conservation Biology. I couldn’t agree with him more. In fact, my efforts in conservation in the last decade have been committed to finding ways to support the human dimensions of conservation so that we can get along, not just for greater satisfaction and sustainability on conservation teams, but for the sake of all life. The earth needs us now, not some time in the distant future when we might decide to work with others who are different from us, or who think of wildlife differently.

A pertinent and timely example of this comes from the placement of the Lafeber Conservation and Wildlife booth at this conference. I am on “Trapper Row.” On my aisle of the exhibit hall are 3 trapper organizations and one safari group. Just to my left are the skins of lynx, wolf, beaver, and wolverine and examples of many kinds of leg traps. The most common question I get from people who pass by is not “what do you do,” or “what is Emeraid,” but “how do you feel being next to trappers?” That’s a good question, I tell the people, and then they proceed to give me their views. The thought is that trappers don’t have a place in true compassionate conservation solutions. I have also talked to the trappers on my row. They say they love the animals and their habitats, and want the same things I do – sustainability, diversity, and abundance. Yet, our strategies are so very different.

Though the strategy of trapping brings up pain for me, if I think that I do not share the same universal needs as the trappers, then I won’t be able to empathize with them. If I can’t empathize with them, then we won’t be able to see each other as belonging on this planet, belonging at the table, and belonging at the conference.

Shane ended his talk by saying that we are human because of the different other and that in all of us is some part of God. Without talking to him about this I can’t be sure what he means. What he says to me is this. Though my heart aches to imagine the suffering and stress of an animal bound in a leg trap, I will not close my heart to that pain and that conversation with the different other. For if I close my heart to the pain, I close my heart to the beauty, the joy, and the possibility of what we might create together. I also diminish how I can be the change I wish to see in the world. For if I settle for blaming the trapper, the hunter, the cattle rancher, I risk settling for not looking at my own complicity in harm in the world. So dear trappers, thank you for being at this conference so that I might just get to know your mind, and in the attempt, get to not just know my mind, but change it to feel interconnection and empathy with all beings. May the traps of the mind so free me, and all beings.

Opening the Window of the Heart

Friend, there's a window that opens from heart to heart

And there are ways of closing it - Rumi

Often when offering support for others in Compassionate Communication I find that people, including myself, can get caught up in the tools for practicing peace in communication, such as the four components of observation, feelings, needs, and requests. I am learning though that the premise of rewiring our brains and changing our habits lies with this choice: Do I want to live constricted, or with an open heart? When I get up in the morning and open the windows and doors to the misty early sunlight, do I want to love myself and the world I see, or do I want to begin withdrawing into myself by judging any moving being as the source of my discomfort or lack of fulfillment? This question always draws me back to the hope of this moment and the feeling of my body. There is a difference in my body posture when I think "I wish for more world peace," and "I love peace." This is similar to the difference when I say "I wish this person would be more loving" and "I long for love." In the later, my body opens, leans towards the "other," and a window opens in my heart.

Where do you shut the window of your heart?

Empathy for Big Oil

Do you find yourselves these days struggling to find empathy for those working with the oil industry? I say "those" as it doesn't make sense to empathize with an institution such as "big oil" or the "oil industry" or the "US government." If we bring the frame a reference down to an individual, and not some conspiracy plot or organizational indifference or even purposeful neglect, where do you find your empathy level for others that were in the chain of cause and effect for the gulf oil spill? Perhaps you choose to not have empathy for others. I work on this because out of empathy and an open heart, amazing choices come before me that allow me to give and receive life giving actions.

First I ask, who is impacted and how? It is helpful to be as specific as possible as to individuals and to their needs. I believe the first step is begin with one's self. If we can't find a way to meet our own needs for empathy or to connect with other needs, it is not likely that we can mourn in the ways that are most beneficial, and then to have empathy for others.

What needs come up for you in terms of the oil spill? Beauty? Health? Biodiversity? Protection? Take time to connect to these needs before going on to any others.

Who else?

Birds - which species? So far impacted are pelicans, gannets, terns. Others? What are their needs? Health, food, reproduction, water, protection?

Reptiles - sea turtles

Mammals - dolphins, whales

Fish

Invertebrates

Plants

Oil spill cleanup and rescue crews. What are their needs?

Fisherpeople

Tourist industry workers

Tourists

Homeowners

Real estate workers

BP oil rig workers and the family members of those who died or were injured

BP managers and executives

Government employees in regulation industry

Government representatives

President Obama

Who else?

Now, having gone through this exercise, do you have any requests of yourself or others?

For me, during this exercise I came up with a request that didn't exist before. For our congregation's upcoming Animal Blessing Service on June 6th, I will devote part of the service to the oil spill.

What is yours to do?

Mourning

I recently gave a seminar on Compassionate Communication: Nurturing Ourselves, Healing Our World. We spent a good part of the day reflecting, practicing, and offering one another nurturance and healing through self empathy, and out of that, taking the time for celebration and mourning. One participant asked me to elaborate on mourning and later said that this was an important aspect of life that does not get enough of her attention. What do I mean by mourning?

There are many ways to mourn. In the context of nonviolent communication we can say that it is taking the time to get in touch with our feelings and needs, and to rest in that "energy" and spaciousness without trying to fix it or move onto requests of ourselves or others. In this space we give ourselves, we move from "should" and "blame language" to looking to the underlying needs. By connecting to needs we connect to the pulse of life coming through us, and this can be healing even in the face of unmet needs and tragic choices that arise out of trying to meet a need. We may regret our choices and actions, or those of others, but we hold fast to our longings and dreams that are informed by connecting to universal needs. Giving ourselves time and energy to think about what might seem uncomfortable, frees us to treasure these needs, without discounting them just because an unmet need can bring up disquieting emotions.

So when you pick up the newspaper and read disturbing news, open an email, have a conversation, or recall a painful memory, take time to breathe and find the need behind the emotion. Take a few seconds or longer to think about this, meditate, or journal and give yourself full permission to feel and to treasure what you are learning about yourself and the good life, for yourself and for the world's beings.

Wired for Empathy

The recent tragedy in Haiti confirms at least one thing in my mind. Humans are wired for non-empathetic responses to others. We go out of way to not witness the suffering, we deny, disbelieve, or rationalizethe stories, and send others in to address the human condition that we think must surely be someone’s fault.

In acute and massive events our empathetic channels open up, but over chronic situations that might even entail more individuals, our empathetic channels narrow. In times like this I wonder how we can keep empathy alive long enough so that the dire pre-earthquake circumstances in Haiti and similar countries and communities never happen.

Compassionate Communication gives us some tools to open our hearts and offer empathy so that we may strive for societal transformation in response to chronic oppression and not just respond with charity in catastrophic events.

Here’s one method that I use in my journaling and also my “time out” periods when I find myself responding to stimuli with expensive emotions that I’d rather not experience so I can instead use my energy on strategies to open myself and others to the full possibility of life.

I define empathy as recognizing my feelings and searching for what universal needs give rise to these feelings. Then I ask others, or guess, what they might be feeling based on needs met or unmet. Then I slow down, breathe, and take time to celebrate that I am connecting and open to life without judgment and open to whatever feelings come my way, and take time to mourn about the tragic consequences of disconnecting relational patterns in friends, families, and societies.

In the case of Haiti, I found my schedule rushed on those first initial days so I sat down for 30 minutes one morning and did the process described in the previous paragraph and then journaled about it. I discovered the possibility of doing this for a few minutes every day for those with whom I wish to connect (self, family members, friends, co-workers, people I know, people I’d like to know, people I regret knowing, and strangers near and far). My hope that is that I might I tap into enough empathy to endure the suffering of the world, and to grow in courage and strength to transform the suffering to global flourishing. This is my hope, this is my prayer, and may this be my practice.

Gender Doors, Not Wars

Have you ever had a conversation or experience with someone of another gender that you just couldn't understand? Did you have feelings that you weren't safe, that assumptions were made about you that weren't fair, or that you were thought of as over reacting, unfeeling, uncaring, blaming, or caviler? Subconsciously, if not consciously, I believe that we all are carrying the wounds and scars of gender categorization and oppression and that these unresolved issues undermine trust and intimacy in our every day interactions and friendships. I see this in myself and others in my home environment, work, congregation, and even in my dreams.

Broken relationships and costly emotions are tragic expressions of unmet needs. How do we strive to meet needs that arise from experiences in past relationships, our child hood, or even in our family and culture systems of decades past?

There are many possible approaches to this, and let me lift up one today: empathetic discussion. If you are having a difficult relationship with someone of another gender, consider taking out an hour sometime in the next week and have each person take a turn of saying what it has been like being "male," "female," or "transgender" - what are experiences that have caused pain or confusion, and joy or gratitude? Let each person speak for 5-10 minutes, uninterrupted, and then have the other person comment on what it was like for them, what feelings and thoughts arise in them, upon listening to the other stories. I have done this in large groups where the women go to the center of a circle and speak to one another of their experiences while the men listen, and then they switch. It has brought much healing, insight, and trust amongst those who were until recently arguing relentless over the toilet set lid being left up, the house unlocked, or household chores left undone. If you don't have a group or another person in which to share this, journal your own experiences and take a time to connect to the living energy of the needs met or unmet, and to mourn or show gratitude. By empathizing with ourselves and others, we open the door to creative solutions where we find that we all are on the same side, and indeed, there are no sides, only a continuum of biological expression striving to flourish in our culture.

Seeing Your Shadow

This past Monday, the ground hog saw her shadow, meaning 6 more weeks of winter. When you see your “shadow side” do you feel a winter’s worth of discontent or a cooling of relationships and life giving connection to others?

What do we mean by “shadow?” Whether in Jungian terms, or in the metaphor of the Jackal, we each inside of us have natural darkness that companions our light. We are primates of this earth, and we will always be looking at others we know and judging whether they are friend or foe, if they mean us harm, or whether our relationship with them will prove to our advantage. We need this to survive. Our native ability to survive howls like a “Jackal” when we turn this biological valuable discerning process into domination, violence, or negative judgment of the other.

Another version of “shadow” is that if we have a certain combination of gifts, it means that we will have “shortcomings” in other areas. For instance, perhaps you are quite empathetic with what others are feeling, meaning you can really see yourself in their shoes. However, this strong empathetic sense can lead to despair and depression as you become overwhelmed with the suffering of the world.

“Shadow” can also mean that there are realities of your life, experiences, and native orientation that you have not embraced, and that you judge as not part of you and “wrong.” When you turn away from the deep knowing and truth of your own life, you “project” your own discomfort and self-judgment onto others, hence treating them as less than human or with less kindness and compassion you might otherwise.

So many shadows lurk in our lives. In reference to that old radio show; “who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men, the shadow knows!” Indeed, such wisdom there is in this. By getting to know our shadows we can learn where the seeds of judgment, denial, and violence lurk, and shower them with our attention so that they grow into life giving understandings of ourselves.

For example:

Let’s say that you really don’t like people who “talk too much.” You avoid them because it’s obvious they don’t care about anyone but himself or herself and are social misfits. Where in this do you see your own shadows? Do you judge yourself for conversing with others? Did someone in your past judge you for talking when they wanted you to be quieter? Are you a natural “extrovert” and you think out loud, and in your past people have rebuffed you for this natural gift of yours (Extroverts’ gifts are that they tend to be friendly, outgoing, and welcoming of others, and the shadow is, well, they can talk a lot and forget to listen to others as much as they would like). Also, perhaps we don’t want to be around people that frequently talk because we desire quiet ourselves, or safety or ease in public spaces, and also know that we have a deep desire to be heard and understood. All of these examples of what your shadow is telling you can be life giving. They tell you that you have formed judgments of yourself and others based on what someone needed from you, or that you need yourself. If we connect to the beauty of universal needs, we might let go our judgments, and be more present to the light of possibility in our relationships and in self-awareness.

So go ahead and see your shadow, for it means that there is light to see the beauty that is inside you, is you, and is all around you.

A Request that Sounds like a Demand - Empathy in Government

Dear Friends and Members in the Path of Peace,

Instead of my weekly sharing/reflection I am offering this request for helping with the following. Because it comes with a sense of urgency (January 15th) this can be perceived as a demand. I truly, truly only wish you to get involved if it would bring your pleasure and help serve life in the ways that bring joy and satisfaction to you. How you can tell the difference between a request and a demand is if the requester really values connection over the request itself and doesn't mind hearing a "no." In my case I am smiling with the delight of working and sharing with you our hopes of peace in our families and lives and that is quite remarkable for me. And hoping to grow in that connection - connection first for me and action arises out of what we share together.

So to the request. I have been following the internet community building of President-Elect Obama and his team that is looking for the top ten issues the people of the US wish him to concentrate upon. Right now, Empathy and the Department of Peace have made it into the final selection. And Empathy has a good chance of getting in the top ten - this could really happen!

I'm hoping that you'd be willing to read further in this blog, and then consider the request to spread the word and vote yourself? For my part, I admit to wanting ease and from that space choosing to not bother with one more internet activity. Also in me though is the dream of a government that understands the value of empathy, of inclusion, of the dream of peace echoed throughout it's branches. I long to live that way, in fact, it's what first got me into NVC (Compassionate Communication). I have heard from so many NVC trainers and people on the various NVC list serves that I am hopping on this particular peace train and making requests myself of others.

My first request though is what you make of this request and how goes your time management and your dreams of peace? I don't hear from so many people on our UU email list serves for peace/NVC these days and I wonder if life is overwhelming for so many. Is this close to true? My second request then is if you will read further and go to the websites and vote for Empathy and the Department of Peace. My third request is if you could spread this word to your friends, congregations, UU/NVC contacts, etc. The deadline is January 15th, so there isn't much time - hence the urgency and the tinklings of a demand. May it instead feel like the beloved community calling your forward in delight and pleasure.

In gratitude,

LoraKim Joyner
UU Fellowship of Gainesville
Compassionate Communication Working Group Co-ChairT


here's a movement of citizens inspired by the presidential campaign whoare deciding the top 10 ideas for how they think the Obama administrationshould change America. It's called "Ideas for Change in America," and it'sbeing run by Change.org. There are two proposals: One is called “Bridging the Empathy Gap- Yes We Can!”and the other is “Appoint a Secretary of Peace in Department of Peace andNon-Violencehttp://www.change.org/ideas/view/appoint_secretary_of_peace_in_department_of_peace_and_non-violence.

Your votes are not just about bringing ideas to the ObamaAdministration your votes are about creating awareness and leverage tomake change. Change.org and the Case Foundation along with othernon-profits will create a lobbying campaign to develop the top 10 Ideasand bring them to the congress.

PLEASE VOTEandSPREAD THE WORD in any way you can think of to get us there. Click on anylink here. It takes about 5 minutes or less. Make sure you follow theinstructions until the vote box turns and stays red.As I write, “Bridging the Empathy Gap - Yes we Can!”is in 15th place with 3391 votes and rising at about 35 votes/hour. Weneed to increase that to about 50/hour to be within the top 10.