Relax into No Right, No Wrong (It's Not Alright!)

Recently I joined a group called, "Consciousness Transformation Community" facilitated by Miki Kashtan. On a phone call yesterday we of this virtual community spoke of the importance of feedback. I found myself moved by the practice of coming to a place of trust in the moment. So often I want to lead the conversation, or to just listen in so that I can give all that I can to the people involved. In so doing, I mourn that often I do not trust that the highest ideal of where I wish to be in relationship with others and with myself is with the beauty of existence and the power of connection. I'm wanting to "fix" the world and heal it. Perhaps we can judge this as noble, however, I find that it keeps me from authentic life-giving connection.

For instance, imagine that after delivering a sermon at my congregation, one person on the way out shakes my hand and says, "Your sermon didn't feed me today." What are my options? I can ask more questions of this person to see what needs of theirs are unmet, or perhaps engage in a way that helps me find out more about the feedback that will help me "heal the world" more efficiently in the future. Or maybe, just maybe I can relax and trust, and share with this person what is in my heart - to go for the connection without reacting to the content of the feedback. In this case I might say something like, "I feel sad to hear this because I can see how much you long for support and community this morning. Is this right?" In checking in with the other person, not leading or avoiding the conversation, I offer a prayer to the relationship gods and goddesses that I may rest in the field beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing.

Where do you diminish your chance for connection and speaking from the heart because you are concentrating on content, strategies, or "doing the right thing?"

Judge Not, Want Not.

When we judge someone else we are living out our human evolution by discerning how the other person is meeting our needs. Are they friend or foe? Will they compete or collaborate with me? Will being with them cause me to lose more energy than I will receive in return? Is this relationship worth engaging? Though judging and discernment is natural behavior, too often our judgment surfaces as more of a habitual response that harms relationships or disconnects us from life-giving conversations or actions. For instance, you might judge your parent, spouse, or child as “wrong” when they do not show up on time or clean up after themselves. Your response might be to withdraw from relating, or retaliating with verbal domination or violence. There is another way.

When you find yourself judging another, concentrate on what the judging says about your values and dreams. Our judgment about another says more about us than anyone else. Maybe you are irritated because your spouse did not do something he or she said they would, such as cook dinner. This tells you have a need for support, sustenance, ease, and dependability. Rest for a time in the energy of these needs without trying to fix the situation. Then consider the needs of your spouse in this situation. What needs were they attempting to meet? Perhaps some of the same ones apply, as well as fun, diversion, autonomy, and balance.

The hope is to open your heart to the full humanity of the other person, and to learn more about yourself and the other. When strategies for meeting needs to do not satisfy both parties, you encounter a wonderful chance to learn what values are important, what you long for, and how healing it can be to hold the other person tenderly in your heart as a precious being. Out of this spaciousness and presence, relationships can flow more from love and possibility, than from constricting unfulfilled expectations. Do you believe this? Try it and judge for yourself.

With the hope of healing,

LoraKim